Yesterday was a hard day...

In my prior post, I had talked about enjoying my chance to talk with a family in the waiting room. Interesting thing, I actually didn't want to talk to them. I was consumed in my thoughts about Flara. But, since Mike had mentioned to them that I was a NICU nurse, and I could see in their eyes they were hurting, I knew I needed to help them. I was sitting with my eyes glazed over in deep thoughts, staring 'through' the vending machine. I remember thinking, "you have such a short period to show Christ. Take it." So, I begrudgingly turned around and started talking. This led to an hour-long conversation until Mike returned and we went home. I knew from what they were saying that things weren't looking good for their baby, but we, as was everybody, were hopeful that their little boy would be okay. He and Flara had been born at about the same time, although he was older gestationally. He was born at 29 weeks and was now a 33 weeker. The family was from out-of-state and had to come via helicopter because her labor couldn't be stopped. The day prior, Great Grandma had told me, he was eating everything fine, doing really well. Less than 24 hours after our conversation, their sweet baby died. Shock and extreme sorrow flooded both Mike and me. I replayed my conversation. I hope I had done enough. I kept thinking, "why didn't I pray with them?" Thankfully, Mike did. Please keep this family in your prayers. He was their first baby.

This baby's death is a good reminder of the fragility of these pre-term babies. A good report one day is no guarantee that everything will be okay the next day. Mike and I have been on edge with Flara all week since the past weekend. Last night was no better. I am so thankful that despite our fears, we still have our sweet girl. I know in an instant, though, that we could be in a similar situation.

During our entire visit last night, Flara just would not keep her heart rate up. She wasn't gripping my hand the way she usually does. She was having temperature instability. Oxygen needs were increasing. It was really scaring me. Our nurse had asked the doctors about sending labs to check if she was getting sick again. At that point, they were still making a decision. Flara did wake up during the last 15 minutes of our visit. When she was awake, she did better. She was very bright-eyed, and seemed to really be listening to Mike and me talk to her. Even though she did wake up, I didn't want to leave. I told Mike I wanted to stay at her bedside all night. Even though we couldn't hold her, I just wanted to be there. Mike told me to stay, and told me he would get me in the morning. I decided I just needed to go home and rest. By time we made it home and settled into bed, our nurse called and said the doctors did decide to check labs, send a blood culture, and increase the rate on her Nasal SIMV. I was so thankful.

I slept fitfully, had dreams about my little girl, and woke up just at the time I could call the NICU. I was so thankful to hear that her labs looked perfectly normal, so there was nothing indicating an infectious process in the making. Also, Flara had not had any heart rate drops and apneic spells since 0200. She was back on 21% oxygen. Apparently, the rate increase helped her tremendously. She also had gained weight again and is now 2 lb 9 oz.

I still wish I could hit a fast-forward button on my life and set it for late December.