A due date remembered...

December 23rd marked Flara's due date. I didn't think it would mean much, but it actually brought about moments of deep thought of what it would have been like to carry Flara to term and to be coming home with a brand new baby right at Christmas.

I know the intense joy Mike and I shared at the birth of sweet Noël, and the excitement in bringing her home to be a family. Although Mike had to be gone the first six weeks of Noël's (born) life, the experience of bringing her into the world and bringing her home was more than I could have ever anticipated.

I wanted that for Flara. While taking my shower that day, I was distracted by thoughts of longing for a 'normal' delivery and for a 'normal' homecoming. In the days leading up to our due date, Mike and I would realize that I could have been pregnant now. We'd say, 'wow, I'd be massive' and 'dude, you would be so miserable.' Yes, pregnancy can be miserable, and makes the belly massive, but it's enjoyable and brings about satisfaction in knowing that a whole new little person is growing and developing while carrying on with normal life.

Due Date Day made me think of how different things would be for Flara. No head bleeds, no eye problems, no belly problems, no super-intense reflux so she has to sleep on a steep incline, no slightly-flattened spot on her little head from not having an aqueous environment to grow within... life could have been very different. But, then, my mind quickly snaps back to reality. Flara was dying. Plainly put. When I realize what her very early arrival saved her from, and I so thank God for that, I realize I wouldn't want her to come any other day. God knows what he's doing!

So, those are my thoughts on the day. A friend who had a preemie had expressed to me that she was saddened by her due date day. I didn't know if I would be or not. I understand now.

Happy, Happy Christmas!

I don't so much enjoy saying or writing 'merry.' To me, I like 'happy, happy' better. I don't know why... I just do. =)

So! Today marks Noël's second Christmas, and Flara's first! How fun! That also makes it sound like we are busy at quickly expanding our kiddo line-up. haha!

We rang in Christmas by attending the Christmas Eve service at our church. Mike had a couple of verses to read. I would have liked to watch him actually read those verses, but I was around the corner allowing Noël to frolic in the playroom. She loves her 'dada' so much, I knew that if she saw him on stage, that little determined girl would go marching right up the stairs to him. So as to not disturb the service for the nicely-sized crowd, I tried my best to hear from afar. He did great!

Once we got home, we put the girls to bed and finished wrapping a couple of presents and setting them out under the tree. We filled Noël's stocking with a few things of candy (plain M&M's, Skittles, and Reese's cups), as well as a couple of little toys. Halfway through filling her stocking, Mike and I looked up at each other in the glow of our Christmas lights and remarked, "this is really fun." We didn't have a lot to give, and we were (still are!) okay with that. Overall, the girls had a really good Christmas. Actually, I think this is my favorite Christmas of all. Mike and I couldn't get presents for each other, but I honestly didn't even miss it. Watching Noël (mainly Snoop) open the presents, and her delighted little squeals of excitement, followed by her hearty belly chuckles, and holding our sweet little Flara was more than I could ever ask for. All I wanted for Christmas was my littlest baby girl home, and we have her!

The wind had blown hard all throughout the night bringing us warmer weather. =) No white Christmas for me! However, the wind kept blowing out our electricity. I was doing a 24 hour low (temperature) and slow (cook-time) of my massive 22 pound turkey, so being awakened multiple times by Mike telling me the power was out AGAIN left me pretty tired come morning! (Not counting getting up to feed our hungry pseudo-newborn.) Well, okay, and counting that we stayed up late watching a marathon of The Office episodes. Finally, I lay awake at 0610 just listening to the rain hitting our windows, and Flara sleeping, and Mike sleeping, and Noël's humidifier next door humming, and SnoopDogg occasionally letting out a gruff here and there, I decided at 0710 to get up and shower, and begin finishing up all the cooking we didn't do the day before (due, admittedly, to plain laziness and being bound to The Office).

Because our church is made up (in large part) of imports, as are we, we decided to invite our small group to our home to celebrate with us in the afternoon. Many of us, being imports, don't have family in the area. We thought it might be nice to handle the cooking and give people a place to go. We were honestly finishing up cooking and cleaning to the last minute, but it wasn't bad at all. Noël was busy playing with her new toys, and Flara was sleeping, so Mike and I were able to cook together. At some point, I did sport Flara in my baby-sling. So, she helped me make deviled eggs! When our guests did arrive, we had a really great time eating and talking and laughing. Not everything was clean, and not everything I had planned to make was made, but we didn't notice. Funny how little details can consume our thoughts, and yet, be amazingly unnoticed in the absence of their presence.

Home Free!!!!

YIPEE!!!!

Archived... from last Saturday. =)

Yesterday, we finished an 84-day stay in the NICU when Flara was finally able to come home!!!! What a relief and an answer to prayer that we were able to bring our little girl home and complete our family... right before Daddy's birthday!

We wish we could thank each person individually who has been holding little Flara up in prayer, as well as praying for our family. We have been through the roughest spots in our life, but God sustained us through it all, and is still sustaining us!

It was great to bring Flara out into the hallway where she was able to really meet her big Sissy. Miss Noël was proudly sporting her 'Big Sister' shirt and calling out "BeeBee" when I brought our little girl out of the 'Butterfly Cove.' It was fun sending Mike text messages and pictures in anticipation of bringing Flara out forEVER!

I thought we had little to pack into our car, but we actually had a lot. =) Mostly, it was things given to us at discharge like extra bottles and diapers, but it ended up filling our trunk. Included, too, was a boat load of bottles of frozen milk. We had enough to fill our big ole cooler! It was a very chilly day, so we had to quickly get everything into the car, and for our first time, wrangle TWO kids into the car! Whew!

Although we were super excited to close this chapter of our lives, it was extremely difficult to say goodbye to people who have come to mean so much for us over the past 3 months. When I walked into Flara's room for the final time, her primary that day was sitting in a chair. We just looked at each other, shook our heads, and declared we were NOT going to cry. Some of our primaries, we didn't even get to tell goodbye because Flara snuck out before we were anticipating. Getting into the car, we had to give our 'for real' final goodbye with our primary. That was really sad. Mike commented going home that when we were told to have happy lives all together, that he didn't want it to not include her. I agreed. When someone brings your baby through their (hopefully) toughest trial in their life, and helps to walk you through the experience as well, a close-knit bond is formed...

Tomorrow could be Flara's big day!!!!

The feeding tube is still out, and she's doing great. Tomorrow, I hear, could be the day she gets to come home!!!!!!!!! =D

Trying not to jump out of my seat in excitement, but as Mike said, "My hopes are already WAY up." Either way, we are probably at max just a few days away!

HOORAY!

It might not last, but...

HER FEEDING TUBE IS OUT!!!!!!

Whew! Please pray Flara holds on and can eat everything all by her (big) self! This is pretty much the last thing holding her in the NICU, so we are really hoping she can make it.

Cue cheesy music... I'm so excited, I just can't hide it, I'm about to lose control.... hahahaaa! DORK!

Big girl!

Flara not only turned 38 weeks today, but she reached the 5 pound mark! She's officially 5 pounds, 1.1 ounces. That's one heavy baby!

Flara had her repeat hearing test yesterday. Thankfully, she passed on BOTH sides this time. We won't have to do a follow-up for 9 months now.

She had her test to check how her bladder empties on Monday. Preliminarily, that shows nothing out of the ordinary. Good girl!

Really, the only thing holding Flara back from coming home is getting to where she will eat everything completely on her own. She was really close over the weekend (at about 80%), but really slowed over the past couple of days.

We are getting more and more anxious to get her home. The closer we get to her coming-home date, the harder it is to accept that she's still in the hospital. Oh, please keep praying for our patience!

Very exciting news!!!

One, little Flara is eating almost all of her food by bottle or by nursing! She's still taking just a bit here and there via tube feedings, but she's so close to doing all the work on her own! The docs are thinking she might only be in the NICU for a week or two more!

Second, her brain bleed/ blood clot has completely resolved!!!!! We were expecting for the clot to slowly diminish over the next however many months, but we were shocked to learn that her repeat head ultrasound on Tuesday showed that it has completely healed already! We are so thankful that God brought about such a quick recovery for little Flara!

She's now up to a whopping 4 pounds 10 ounces! Her little personality is really starting to show through. One of her favorite game to play with the night nurses is 'opossum.' She'll stare at her primary nurse while she's talking, but as soon as C looks down at her, Flara closes her eyes and 'pretends' to sleep! So funny! She does it OVER and OVER again!

I don't remember if I blogged about it (I should have read my prior post beforehand...), but Noël and Flara were able to meet each other for the first time early this week! Although it was through glass, and Noël wanted to come through the door so badly, it was just so sweet to see Noël's reaction. She says "my beebee" all of the time, but she has never said "sissy" even though we talk about her sissy regularly. Upon seeing Flara, Noël blurted out, "Baby. Sissy." It was just the sweetest thing! Mike got it all on videotape! This has brought about a return of Noël's baby craziness, so now she is back to diapering and toting her baby doll everywhere. =)

We're still waiting on a repeat hearing screen for Flara. She's also going to go for one more test to check how her bladder empties before she goes home (because of her history of a prior urinary tract infection). There's not much more for Flara to do to get ready to come home, so we are just anxiously awaiting the day!

It has been a really long time...

Our sweet little bright-eyed girl!

BIG YAWN!!!

Already fixin' to be a Daddy's girl!

Such a cutie pie!

Noël busy at work helping Mommy put up the wall decals in the girls' room.

Yes, that would be a squirrel! =)

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I think I've been so 'off' because I went back to work! Eek! I know I don't work much (just 8 to 16 hours weekly), but I work overnight so I'm left EXTREMELY exhausted. I don't sleep during the day before, so I head in and stay up all night. By time I get home, I've pulled over 24 hours. Then, for whatever strange reason, I still can't sleep. My max so far is 2 1/2 hours, then I'll be up all the next day 'til bedtime. It's really crazy, completely unhealthy, and leaves me dragging, but somehow I've managed to survive. =)

A lot has happened changed since the nearly 2 weeks since I last updated on our sweet girl. I pulled out my notebook, and am going to go through it and hit the highlights. Last time I posted, Flara had just come off of her oxygen. I honestly didn't think the girl would make it, but she has continued to pull through. The same day her oxygen was stopped, she also was transitioned out of her isolette. She now sleeps in a crib like a big girl!

One thing we had repeatedly mentioned was fears over infection with her central line. We were praying and praying for somehow Flara to get to have it removed. Well, God took care of it! We went to visit Flara the night after her move to the big crib, and were told we wouldn't get to hold her because her central line had clotted off. A clot buster was put in the line to try to dissolve the clot. After much waiting (and us sitting and saying, God, let that stuff just NOT work), it was determined it was a lost cause! We were (secretly) excited! We knew Flara would have to have a regular IV because her feeds weren't high enough yet to necessitate not needing IV fluids, but we were happy. She only needed a couple more days, so we figured we could just handle it. A few days later, she was close to full feeds, and another of her regular IV's went bad. Rather than restarting it, the nurse asked the doctor if she could just leave it out. Thankfully, the doc agreed! So, little Flara made it back to full feeds and has been a week without any IV fluids. That's great!

Flara had her hearing screen. She passed on one side, but not on the other. It could possibly be a fluke, but it could also be that she has some sort of hearing damage. In-utero infection is one of the top contributors of hearing loss in newborns, so it's always a possibility. Honestly, Mike and I weren't even upset. Flara will have a repeat screening (probably this week) to retest the failing ear. We know she has good hearing in one ear, so we'll take whatever results we are given. I've said it a million times, and that's that our little Flara is alive and healthy, and for that we are so thankful. Head bleeds, (possible) hearing loss, tummy troubles... our course could be so much worse. God has just done an amazing work to keep little Flara through all of this, and to be comforting and sustaining Mike, Noël, and me through it as well.

After Flara transitioned from intestinal feeds to tummy feeds, she did have some difficulty with digesting her milk. At times, milk would just drip constantly out of her nose. It would make me so sad for her! The doctors started her on zantac and reglan (reflux medications), and that has made a big difference. The nurses also really ramp her bed up at a high angle, so she sleeps on a nice incline, held in by a sling! She seems to really like it!

All of the meds that were helping Flara with her periods of stopping breathing and heart rate drops have been stopped. Although she still has quick periods of heart rate drops now, the apnea (stopped breathing) finally seems to be resolved. Usually, when she drops her heart rate, it seems to be from her having reflux.

She was given a short period of trying bottles. She did really well with it, but it really wore Flara out. So, for now, bottles are on hold, but we are still working on nursing. Some days she does great, and other days she'll be so tired she can't even get her eyes open, let alone eat! We just have to sit and be patient and let her grow and get stronger. Flara's day will come soon enough!

Flara also got her 2 month immunizations. That just seems crazy! It's hard to believe our little gal is that old, but she really is! Today marks her 10 week old birthday! That's a long time to be shuttling back and forth with an hourlong drive to visit our little girl, all while toting a 21 month old toddler! We are soooo looking forward to getting Flara home!

While we miss little Flara (especially today being our 'unable to visit Sunday'), we are so thankful that she has nurses (her primaries!) who love her to death! It makes me happy when I call and I'm told how much they held and loved on her, and took her for strolls around the nursery. I like knowing that she's not just laying in her darkened room wondering where anybody is to love on her! These gals will ALWAYS be loved and appreciated for loving our little girl so much when we're unable to be there for her! They're Flara's extended family of mommies. I know she loves them, too! =)

Last, Flara is now past the 2 kilogram mark! Mike, in his dorkiness, wanted to post on facebook that he now has a 'kilo' when Flara hit 1 kilo. He missed it, so now he's the proud owner of a '2 kilo.' Yeah, like I said... dork! hahaha! I'm sure not many of you are into conversions, so that means Flara is 4 pounds and 7 ounces! She's also 17.6 inches long. Such a big girl! Gestationally, she is now 36+4 weeks old. That's so hard to believe!

That's all I have to post on for now! I hope you all had great Turkey Lurkey Days! We did! =)

Great news!

For six hours now, Flara has been without any oxygen support! Yippee!

Also, her feedings are now for the first time going into her tummy. She's tolerating it so far, so we'll just keep praying she progresses well.

Sorted out

I talked to Flara's doctor today to understand why Flara was still not eating considering both of her GI studies look 'good.' I received a very good explanation of how the studies have made her bowels look worse, and that they are actually more dilated than before. Normally, it takes a few hours to pass the contrast used in the studies. Flara has taken two days. The doctor explained to me that the developing nervous system of her GI tract is apparently developing very slowly, resulting in very slow and sporadic motility of her gut. That's fair. As I said to him, 'basically, the same way everything else is going with her.' He nodded in agreement. He felt it would be better for her to let her rest and go slowly rather than pushing her through quickly. His theory is that if her bowels are saying "stop, I'm not ready," it's better to let her progress at her own speed. So, today, she was restarted on a very tiny 1.5mL/hr continuous feed. Hopefully, this will be enough to help her body say "hey, start digesting!"

Flara is continuing to grow well. She's now 4 pounds, 2 ounces and was given the go-ahead to wean her to an actual open crib! That's exciting for the little bean! She's also been doing so well respiratory-wise, that she was also given the go-ahead to try to wean from her nasal cannula. It will be so strange to see her in a crib and without oxygen on her face! She's having her medication stopped that has been helping her to not have the apnea (quitting breathing) spells. It takes about 5 days for the medicine to completely exit her body, so we'll have enough time to see if it's going to be too early to wean her from it.

Her various cultures are still negative. Her labs were looking better today. Since she was given blood yesterday, she looked much, much pinker today. Her hematocrit was up to 36 from the low of 23 yesterday.

We had another short, time-split visit today. Mike and I both had about 45 minutes each to visit our sweet girl. She is definitely looking better each and every day. I've always said 4 pound babies are my favorite. They're not so scrawny and preemie-looking. Really, they just appear to be miniature versions of a normal newborn. So cute! Although we've had a rough road, and still have lots of days ahead of us, it's fun to see Flara grow and develop. Today, she is officially a 35 weeker. It's been a long 60 days!

Tomorrow marks my return to work. Even though I only work 8 to 16 hours a week, I'm a bit nervous about returning and actually taking care of little preemies. It's all going to be a little too-close-to-home now. I've really enjoyed my time off (even though under very stressful circumstances) and the focused time Mike, Noël, and I have been able to share with each other. I am hopeful, though, that work will be a good distraction for me, will help time speed along, and I'm looking forward to seeing a great group of gals whom I miss dearly!

Until next time, adios!

Four Pounds!

Today, Flara hit the big 4 pounds! She's now double her birth weight!

Although both of Flara's GI studies have come back normal, Flara is still not back on her feedings. Her tummy was 'big' this morning, so she was not allowed to restart her feedings. She also spit up a couple of times overnight (although her tests did confirm she does have reflux, as do most preemies). Also, her lipids (fats) were restarted.

She's still doing well on her 1L nasal cannula. I hear she keeps it in her mouth more than she keeps it in her nose! =)

She had a repeat eye exam this morning, and everything still looks good. Now, she'll be retested in two weeks rather than every week.

Overnight, she had some issues going 'peepee.' She didn't have much out, so she was given a bolus of normal saline this morning. She's been going potty since!

Her white blood cell count is still funny. She had a repeat culture drawn, and also had another urine culture taken to test for CMV.

She's getting more blood, probably as I type this! Her hematocrit this morning was 23. Poor girl!

Does this sound depressing? I hope not! Mike and I are both sad that little Flara is still not eating, and (maybe?) getting some sort of sickness again, but we're still so thankful to have her here. We'll keep on with that trusting God part. =)

I think that covers all of the 'quick' update that I can provide. I'm trying to think if I missed anything here, besides saying that she's the cutest little preemie ever! If so, maybe I'll tell you later!

Where did Flara get her name?

I know we've received many questions about 'Flara.' It is an old Irish name meaning "fire." A couple years ago, my family and I went to southeastern Kentucky to visit our (original) family cemetery. I took pictures of all the tomb rocks (that's for a good friend of mine!). One in particular caught my attention... Flara E. Botkin. I thought it was a lovely name! Thus, I borrowed from my kinfolk (Flara E. Botkin being the sister of my great-granddad). Flara is pronounced like Sara, just with an F-L. Enjoy a bit o' family history! =)

"This is little Flara's namesake. She (Flara E. Botkin) is buried in Jackson Co, Ky. next to her grandfather Joseph E. Botkin who was the son of the original Botkin (Richard) who came here from Ireland. Her father was Daniel Slaughter Botkin, a doctor there in Ky. Her brother, Daniel Oscar, came to Indiana and begat our line of Botkins."

Flara E. Botkin's tomb rock is there on the left.

We chose Flara's middle name, Sophia, because we thought the two had a pretty ring to it together.... Flara Sophia. Sophia is Greek for "wisdom."

Thus, her name is "Fire and Wisdom" Perfect!

Hooray for Flara and Noël!

First, little Flara had her upper GI studies this afternoon, and they are normal!!!! We are so thankful! She was switched over from 1 liter on her high flow to 1 liter of a regular nasal cannula. Yippee! No more water floods dousing her poor little nose and gagging her! Her white blood cell count is still a little funny, so another blood culture was pulled from her central line today. So far, the urine and central line cultures from the other day have been negative.

During my quick visit today, I held my sweet girl but didn't get to nurse her. She couldn't eat anything for four hours prior to her testing, so I only got to hold. When I cuddled her in close, she tried to eat my neck. Poor little baby! When I didn't give her what she wanted, she let out two very cute little cries. It broke my heart! I didn't get to visit her yesterday either, so she had to miss out on two days of quality mommy time. =(

Finally, her head measurements seem to be right! Her head was triple-measured by three very good nurses =) who all came up with the same number. Since it's been mentioned a few times that her head hasn't been growing as well as it should (although we can all see that it has been), it was good to get a measurement that actually *proved* that there is growth!

Flara almost reached 3 pounds, 14 ounces last night. It's hard to believe we're nearly double her birth weight from 8 weeks ago!

So, what is Noël's big news? Tonight, while she and I were eating supper, she almost frantically began telling me "di...di... di....di" and pointing to her diaper. She's been doing this since the week Flara was born, but she never does anything with it. So, I first said, "eh, let's finish supper," but she became more insistent. I asked her if she needed to go peepee on the big girl potty. She immediately responded with "yeah, pee." I quickly lifted her out of her seat, and placed her on the floor. She ran to the bathroom. As I was getting her diaper off, she grabbed her Dora potty seat and put it on the big potty. I sat her up there and expected nothing. But, no! She actually went potty! I squealed with delight-- she squealed with delight. We clapped. Then, clapped some more. She was so proud! (She even pulled the shower curtain around her while going potty for privacy. Too funny!) She asked for toilet paper, then wiped not once, but three times! She got down, flushed the toilet, put her Dora seat back off to the side, then put the lid down. I was elated. As a reward, I gave her some chocolate chips. =) I didn't figure I would really try potty training until she hits 2 in February, but as long as she seems ready, then I guess we'll go for it!

Good results for Flara. Not-so-good for my Ginkgo.

Flara had her lower GI tract study yesterday. Thankfully, the study revealed no damage!!! We were greatly relieved by the news, but we're not off-the-hook yet. Flara's doctor was fairly confident that if she were to have damage, it would be in the lower portion of her GI tract. Since that is normal, Flara will have her next test of her upper GI tract on Monday. We're anxiously awaiting Monday. The doctor was hopeful to get both tests done on the same day, but radiology said that if both were done on the same day, the lower GI test contrast would obscure the view of Flara's upper GI tract. Thus, we're waiting. It's for the best, too. The handling, transports to radiology, and the testing itself has really used up all of Flara's energy. She was very bright-eyed last night during our visit, but she's been too tired to nurse well. Hopefully, the couple days of rest will help her get back up to par on the feistiness level. We've just not seen the usual Flara fury this week.

My home life (from the bits I've shared) never seems to be without craziness. Whether it's exploding pop, kidney stones, or leaking pipes, last night left Mike and me with some more drama to shake our heads about. I've never been one to like the time changes. I grew up in Indiana, which, until recently, never participated in the time changes. I really like letting the sun set when it wants to. Last night, my gingko tree fell prey to the day turning dark all-too-early. Mike, Noël, and I came home last night from the grocery store. Turning into the drive, there stood our (non) stately little Ginkgo. Really, it's a sad little fellow. It was large(r) and beautiful when we bought it and planted it. Soon after going into the ground, our big drought hit. Ginkgo lost half it's branches in the heat wave. So, yes, it was looking a little sad. Then, SnoopDogg the wonder dog made it his potty post, and nearly killed it the next summer. The tree went without leaves and without growth that whole summer. Mike informed me it was dead, but I refused to believe it. After all, ginkgo trees are the only forms of plant life that survived the bombing of Hiroshima. Well, this spring, then, I decided if no new leaves appeared, then Mike could pull the hapless tree from the ground. But, NO! It survived! Gingko grew leaves and quite a few. However, Gingko grew no new branches and gained no height. I was fairly confident that NEXT summer was going to be a banner year. So, as I said, we got home last night, came in and began preparing supper. We let the WonderDogg out to potty. Soon, he went flying around our porch and down the stairs in a really, really angry barking fury. We thought the babysitter, for some reason, was about to get Snoop's anger like he's never expressed it before. We ran to the door and called Snoop back. Like a good dog, he returned. Mike went to see if the babysitter was here, and found a snapped-off trunk of our Gingko sadly sitting in it's corner. The rest of the tree was gone. Now, Mike came back and asked me if the gingko was "here when we came home?" I was so confused. He then informed me that some punks broke our tree at the ground and ran off with it. My initial reaction was extreme anger. I was ready to go find the punks myself and beat the tar out of them. Mike got in the car and went searching. Honestly, after this past week, we were both ready to beat some booty. =) Thankfully, he didn't find the punks. I kept thinking about my poor tree, then I asked Mike if he meant the entire tree pulled out of the ground. He told me that Ginkgo still had about 6 inches of tree stump sticking out of the ground. Me: "Rats. I knew next summer was going to be it's banner year. It finally had an impressive root system." With that sad exchange, we both burst out laughing. Oh, well. We've decided we're going to saw it off at the ground, and see if it'll resprout from it's impressive root system come spring. Our other thought was that we're going to leave it's stump (for now- over winter) and overdo it with all the LED Christmas lights we can fit on it, and top it with a star. We figure if some punks thought they could get us down, they're WRONG!

With all of that off my chest, I do need to say that God is good. =) We've come off of an extremely difficult week that left us at points really struggling, even with our faith. We feel that even when people let us down, God keeps showing Himself true to us. We've tried to be obedient to everything that we have felt that God is directing us to do, and in the end, we have been blessed beyond what we can imagine. Even while standing with the doctor and nutritionist after my most-emotionally difficult morning, I had to then take the news that the doctors were fairly confident of Flara losing portions of her bowel. Honestly, I felt like I had been sucker punched and would like to have passed out or thrown up. I thought, "how ironic, my worst day yet, and here I get more crappy news." Quickly, my mind snapped back to God's love and sovereignty, and I felt immediate peace. At that exact moment, both the nutritionist and the doctor commented on how amazed they were that I have taken everything with such a calm demeanor. I'm not saying this as something to brag about... I'm saying it as a testimony of God's sustaining us when we need Him most (and, most likely, when we feel like He's most NOT there). It made me think back to Flara's delivery week, and how calm I had remained through that. Looking back on it all, I can see that when times have been most difficult, that is when I have felt God's peace and comfort the most. I have handled bad news and bad times with more grace and calmness than I have handled not-so-bad times. And, again, all I can say is that God is so good.

Thanks, again, for listening, and always for your prayers.

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST

It can always be expected in the preemie world... when things seem to be going best, then they get (terribly) worse. Today, we're there.

Last night we were told that Flara's tummy had really become big again, and she was dropping her oxygen levels quite a bit. Rather than continuing to increase her feeds, the practitioner decided to hold her at the current rate.

This morning, Mike and I headed to Kville so I could nurse little Flara. I told Mike driving up that I felt like there was going to be something going on. As I walked into the hallway, I saw the doctor sitting outside Flara's room. I knew something was up. I said 'hi' and asked him how everything was going. He mentioned that he had been trying to call me and asked if I knew that she had trouble overnight.

Basically, one of the big threats to preemies might have happened or be in the process of happening. I've mentioned the condition "NEC" that results in parts of the bowel dying off. This doctor is suspecting that Flara has possibly had an uncaught bout of NEC in the past that has left her with a section of her bowel being dead. It could explain her recurring feeding intolerances. She will be undergoing testing in the morning. If the tests confirm the suspicions, little Flara will have to undergo surgery to remove the portion of bowel that has died.

We are very scared.

Still holding strong.

Flara is continuing to do well. The doctor decided to try her again on 2 liters of oxygen on her nasal cannula because she had made it over 24 hours without a heart rate drop. Although we have seen her fail this multiple times within hours, she is still going strong nearly 12 hours into the flow decrease. She's also still without any heart rate drops. =)

Because Flara has been nursing so well, the doctor also wrote that she may try nursing one to two times daily. She didn't spit up after feeding her yesterday, so he has asked me not to pump just prior to feeding. The plan is to turn off her continuous feeds for one to two hours post-nursing, and see how she handles the milk in her tummy. I was able to try feeding her again today. She did very well, and didn't spit up after that feeding. Hooray! Tomorrow, our plan is to go visit during the morning so I can feed her, then go back at nighttime. Her nurse called me this afternoon to inform me that Flara woke up shortly after our leaving, and was wide awake chomping and smacking on her pacifier for a solid hour! I think we have finally unleashed the little monster! She was also awake and looking for mommy this afternoon. Poor little girl!

Flara has been hanging out in a fancy-pants bed called a 'giraffe' bed. These beds have built-in scales, and can do all sorts of amazing features. They're quite handy, especially with micro-preemies, like Flara! A big advantage of the in-bed scale is that it minimizes handling of the babies when they are so fragile. I was quite stunned this morning to walk in and see that she had graduated to a 'normal' isolette. Now, she'll have to come out and be weighed on a scale like a big girl! She hit 3 pounds, 11 ounces today, so she really is a big girl! (Or, so we think!)

Today, too, our little Flara is officially a 34-weeker. Although this is the earliest preemies can go home (if they meet a long list of criteria), our Flara still has a long journey before she's ready to leave the NICU. Daddy was holding out for an early departure early on, but I sadly informed him that I never see 26 weekers go home at 34 weeks. Usually, they're in for longer than their due date. Although we get (and currently are) super antsy about Flara being in the NICU, we are so thankful for all the progress she has made, and look forward to the progress yet to come.

I'm still worried about that yucky central line. I'll breath much easier when it comes out. It seems we might be 2-3 days out from turning off her IV fluids, so hopefully she'll lose it in 3-4 days. Today marks 2 weeks in, which is the same as when her last infection reared it's ugly head. She became pretty septic, and as I've said numerous times, took her a month to fully recover. I'm in constant prayer about it, and I urge you all to fervently pray against an infection as well!

Last, please pray for guidance and wisdom for Mike and me. We have a lot of big decisions to make regarding a multitude of subjects, and we are trying our best to figure out what we need to do. Also, I'm still struggling with the mishaps of my delivery, so please continue to pray for peace.

So happy!

Little Flara was able to try "non-nutritive" nursing today! I was so excited to get to try with her. I always feel bad for her being away from Mommy and worry about her bonding and feeling alone. Normally, I should have pumped right before so that we could be sure she wouldn't really be getting anything. The goal is that the babies will 'learn' and begin to make associations that will lead to successful nursing later. It had been 1 1/2 hours since pumping, so her nurse and I knew I'd have a bit of something. Little Flara vigorously latched on, and it didn't take long before I had a 'let-down.' I was afraid it would overwhelm her (she's never eaten anything orally before... ). Her little eyes opened and she got really big eyed! I thought, 'here comes the choking and the heart rate drop.' Nope. Wide-eyed, she made a big "gulp" and went right back to work. No heart rate drops, no oxygen drops. That's my girl! She lasted a solid 20 minutes, then zonked out. I was thrilled! She didn't make a peep when I had to put her back to bed. It was a good precursor for Daddy to come see her. He said she remained in a good little milk coma during his entire visit. I'm including some pictures. No worries... there is nothing visible in the pictures! =)

Little Flara is 33 weeks, 5 days and weighs 3 pounds, 9 ounces.

So sweet!

I'm super excited. I don't think it's very obvious. Yeah, right! (It was just as good for my bonding as it is for her!)

New pictures. =)

Here are the newest pictures of Flara and one of big sissy Noël. On the day these photos were taken, Flara was 33 weeks and 2 days and weighed 3 pounds, 7 ounces. This was also the day that Flara was able to be dressed in baby clothes for the first time!

She currently is 3-8 for her weight. We're facing another round of tummy trouble so Flara's feedings had to be decreased again. At least this time they were not stopped completely. Feeding intolerances are always very scary for us... it can be a precursor to a very serious GI problem called "NEC". Please pray against this! Also, the slow-down in Flara's feedings means she will need IV fluids even longer. We are past one week on her PICC (central line) being in... the longer it's in the more nervous we are for infections. Her first PICC became infected at two weeks. The sepsis that resulted has taken Flara a full month to fully regain the ground she lost, so we are really praying that this, too, will not become another problem.

She's still at 3L of flow/minute on her cannula. She was given a trial at 2L, but she just wasn't ready for it. Her medications to help with her heart rate drops was increased today. She was having more events, so she may have been outgrowing her doses. She was also started on a new medicine today, 'Reglan,' that will help her with GI motility. This is to help to keep things moving and reduce reflux. She actually had a large number of changes and additions to her orders today. We are hopeful the new changes will help Flara out.

It again has been a stressful weekend. Mike's had a sinus infection, so only I held her Saturday. It did provide me a long cuddle time, but I hate for Daddy that he didn't get to cuddle with his little gal. I was glad to see Flara Saturday and to get to do skin-to-skin holding with her... that was the day her tummy troubles started. I always feel better seeing her when I get word that we've gone a few steps backwards.

Today is Sunday... my dreaded no-visit day. The day has gone quickly, though, so I'll be seeing her shortly come morning.

Please continue to pray for those things I listed... infections, lung improvement, tolerating eating. Also, please pray for Mike to get better, Noël and I to stay healthy (although Noël now has a runny nose), and for Mike and me to not be bitter from our delivery. The delivery story hasn't made it here yet, but it has left us with a strange multitude of feelings and emotions.

Enjoy the pictures!

Noël is very helpful. She's pumping! (If only it were that simple!)

Sweet little Flara holding Mommy's hand. (She has really grown from the first similar picture at a few days old!)

Little Flara listening to Mommy.

Snuggle time.

Peaceful baby.

A tale of two liters...

(Here's a picture from holding Flara yesterday... she was in a daze from her cuddle time!)

Today. Where do I begin?

I survived my 6 week postpartum checkup today. =) So glad it's over. I was glad to go home and see Mike for 5 minutes before he left for work. He didn't get to go with me to the appointment because he had to appear in court. So, I hurried home to say 'hi' and 'bye.' I also needed to feed the very hungry Noël and myself. While feeding Noël, I made a monster pot of soup for myself... wild rice & mushroom with chicken. As I finished getting Noël out of her chair when she was done, I grabbed a new 2L of coke and poured myself a glass. Because it was brand new, it fizzed up on the ice. So, I set the 2L on the counter and waited for the fizz to settle to top off my glass. While waiting, I proceeded to grab some of the groceries still sitting on the floor from my WalMart run last night. As I reached up into the cabinet to put away some gluten free pasta, I felt a strange pull on my beloved bathrobe... followed by a 'fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' sound... although much longer.

Confused, I stood not moving. My hand was still half-way reaching as I listened in horror and tried to understand the sound I was hearing, as well as try to understand why my face was dripping wet. So, too, was my hair. I slowly turned my head to see the culprit... my beloved bathrobe had become ensnared in the grips of the new opened 2L of coke, sending it off the counter. It hit the ground and became a fizzing, spinning coke bomb. My senses were thrown, so it took me a few seconds to process what was happening and stop the bomb. It kept spinning, spewing fizzy pop EVERYWHERE. I grabbed it and stopped the hosing. Basically, the entire bottle was gone!

I slowly turned around my kitchen and surveyed the damages. Literally every single cabinet was hosed and dripping from ceiling to floor, the fridge was dripping, my counters were dripping... I opened the cabinets, including the one I had just cleaned out due to the unattached drain... pop standing in there, too. Coke was in everything, on everything, and I had one major spray of pop from the top of my head, down my robe, on my just-washed jeans, and soaked through my socks. My floors... pretty much a pool of pop. My rugs. Soaked. It even sprayed out of the kitchen and all over my carpets. I let out a big sigh and wanted to sit down in the mess and cry.

Just as I was thinking I needed to cry, I realized my little Noël was excitedly rounding the corner. I had to snap out of my pity party and react. I ran and grabbed towels, I grabbed a mop, heck, I even threw down my bathrobe to soak up the mess. Noël appeared and was pleased. =) She splashed around in the mess. I began soaking pop as quickly as I could and then carried my dripping towels to the wash...

And, there it was... in the midst of the 'explosion' of pop, my poor epileptic dog peed himself. Great. I had a big ole puddle of pee in the hallway, as well as a trail where he ran scared away into the living room, followed by another squirt. Ahhh... so thrilled. I cleaned that up, booted the dog out the door, proceeded back to the kitchen and commenced to clean again.

The aftermath: three good hours of cleaning. Noël? Waaay late on her nap. I realized as I was getting her ready that her beloved 'bubbles' blankie was sopping wet, too. Rats. I tried to sneak Bubbles to the laundry. I was caught. Noël proceeded to produce massive tears and wail. I couldn't console the poor girl. She went to her room and cried more. I tried loving on her again. No, she didn't want Mommy. Defeated, I told her she just had to take her nap sans Bubbles. I gave her an alternative. That didn't work. She wailed and wailed, very forlornly, from her crib. Poor girl. It really broke my heart. Eventually, she fell asleep.

I returned to the kitchen. Brain triggered... soup on the stove. Double rats. In the chaos of the mess and bubbles and dog pee, I forgot my pot of soup. I burned the bottom. I did my best to scrape out the burns, then poured myself a bowl. Three hours late for lunch... oh, well.

My next thought was, 'why is my life such a joke sometimes?' Really, I feel like the butt of a really bad joke. I know it's not true, but, I swear, I could write a book on the antics of my daily life! At least it's all settled. For now.

*************************************************************************************

Flara news (because we all need a little positive!):

Flara had a rage of fury night before last and ripped off her nasal-SIMV mask, tape, and all of her feeding tubes. She was over it! Just as they were beginning to replace it, her nurse asked if she could just leave it off and try her on high flow oxygen. They did, and so far, she's still making it! She was at 4 liters of flow first, and is now on 3 liters. We are so thrilled! When I walked into her room the morning after it happened, I saw a fuzzy little head of hair... I quickly wheeled around because I thought I was in the wrong place. Nope! That was my little girl! We praise God that she's progressing!

She also had a good report with her head ultrasound. Her head bleed was now called a 'diminishing clot.' We are so thrilled to hear that it's beginning to go away.

Flara also had a repeat on her eyes. She is still without disease, and the doctor was able to say that she also does not have cataracts.

One area to really pray for is her head growth. On the charts, she is lagging in her growth. However, she has had a hat to hold her oxygen source on her head for a month now. Where her head was a perfect round little head at first, it now looks more like it has grown upwards rather than outwards. Although the nutritionist mentioned concern, her primary nurse and I aren't too worried. We'll just keep praying, though.

Noël has just began talking in her room, so I need to go rescue my little girl before she gets too upset. Thank goodness she did take a nap.

Oh, and one last thing... Flara is 33 weeks today, and Noël is 21 months today. =)

November is 'Prematurity Awareness Month'

As today is the first of November, I would like to share with you that November is 'Prematurity Awareness Month.' If anyone would feel so inclined, you can visit the March of Dimes website (www.marchofdimes.com) and make a donation. MOD donations are used to research treatments that have proven life-saving in the early birth of preemies. Without their research and discoveries, little Flara and thousands of other babies like her never would have had a chance.

CPAP was not a success.

Little Flara failed her CPAP at 0330 this morning, so she had to go back onto her nasal-SIMV. She was having too many heart rate drops through the night. Most likely, this is due to her having to stop the medication Myseline... it can only be given orally, so during the time that her feedings were stopped, she was unable to receive the med. It takes three days to really take effect, so it'll probably be nearly mid-week before we start to see any improvements.

Also, her IV's have not been lasting at all, so the doctors placed another PICC (central line) this morning. It'll be better because she won't have to have as many IV sticks, but it's a big risk for infection. Currently, she still has an IV in her head, but she's getting another blood transfusion as I type. Once the blood is finished, that IV will come out, and she'll only have her central line left. I'm praying she won't get sick again... it was her PICC infection a month ago that started a good deal of her troubles that we have not been able to overcome yet.

Flara will get another repeat tomorrow on her head ultrasound to assess her brain bleed.

Her feedings were increased today at 1400 hours to 1.5mL/hr, and will be increased every eight hours by 0.5mL/hr. This, of course, is if she tolerates what she is being given.

Flara's lab work is continuing to improve, so she is responding well to her antibiotics.

Also, today is Flara's 6 week birthday.

I had a big breakdown after church today.... still having a breakdown would be more apt. I've held it together for most days and most news, but today I just can't seem to take it. I want someone to just be honest about everything going on with Flara. NICU nurse or not, I'm still a mom. Because I am a NICU nurse, I'm all too aware of all of the worst-case scenarios. So, when something happens, my mind is racing to 'it could be indicating this or leading to that.' I would just like to shut that portion of my brain down right now.

Our pastor is going through the 10 commandments right now. Today, the topic was on adultery. Pastor B talked about how we as a society love our objects more than our God. Yes, we basically have adulterous affairs with our objects. I said to Mike, "BIG ouch." Pastor B talked about how we truly don't know what it's like to need something or to go to bed hungry and how we spend unimaginable amounts of money acquiring objects. Ouch. Again. Then, how we use our new objects to bide our time and keep us from our Savior. Ouch. I'm as guilty as anybody, but the sermon had me thinking about how my mind has been so completely and utterly filled with thoughts of 'will Flara make it?' Rather than spending my time consumed by my fears, I need to be filling that time with Christ... praying and reading His word. Christ only can provide the peace that I so desperately desire.

I can do nothing without Him.

I smell like a giant 'colorin' crin.'

Translation: crayon. I smell like a giant crayon because I just colored for the last hour and a half with Noël. =) We made beautiful pictures! The smell just won't wash away. At least it's not onion, right?

Mike and I had a quick visit with sweet Flara today. Just 15 minutes each. Thankfully, we made it because we won't get to visit tomorrow. There are plusses and minuses to our Sundays. We had a longer visit with her last night. That was good! She has continued to look much better. She was awake for us, although she was starting to get very agitated. Not being fed was starting to wear on her. I just hate that. Her irritability made it hard to calm her down. She was really vigorous about her pacifier. She just wanted something to calm her hunger pangs! This morning, her irritability was even more present. I was able to calm her down just in time to switch out. I had one hand cupped around her head, and my other forearm and hand cupping her little body. She wrapped her little legs around my wrist (good thing I have skeletor wrists!) and wrapped her little arms around my hand and held on with her hands. I then used one finger to hold her pacifier in place. It wasn't the most comfy for me, but she loved the (non-holding) cuddle time. I talked to her while she was awake and listening to me, then sang to her when she fell asleep. My leaving brought on a fit for poor Daddy. He said she was upset just about the whole time he was with her. Thankfully, though, the doctors wrote that she may restart her feeds today. Although it's going to be a slow process to work back up to full feeds again, at least she'll be getting something.

Our visit presented us with quite a bit of good news. Her blood culture has continued to remain negative. That's great! Between the eye infection, UTI, and the GI tract full of air, that all together really did her in. She was able to have one antibiotic discontinued, so she's just getting a single antibiotic now. Although she's still on the same hat and 'gear' of the nasal-SIMV, the settings has been changed so she is just on CPAP. This means she's not getting 'puffs' of air anymore. She is just simply getting a flow of air with pressure. Yay! She has gone a few days without heart rate drops and oxygen-level drops. Perhaps she's turning the corner? We hope so! We are also very pleased to learn that Flara has reached the 3 pound mark! FINALLY! She is also now 16.2 inches long. Very big girl!

Between Noël and sweet Flara, we have the two cutest little girls in the world!

Since Mike, Noël, and I feel like we live in the car, we have just discovered something amazing that adds to our trip... The Pit Stop. SWEET! This little gem of a 'convenience' store is awesome. We've been eye-balling it for weeks and finally turned in last night. It's a drive-thru garage/ convenience store. The most amazing invention ever. I want to own one myself. And, I want the Tshirt that hangs in the bay... "Stop, Shop, and Roll." Yes! You drive through it like you're getting your oil changed. But, instead of oil, you are surrounded by drinks and food! Imagine driving your car into the middle of the store at the gas station, and someone walks over, asks you want you want, then walks and fetches your desires. Plus, added bonus, the Snickers bars have been fresh. Mmm, mmmm. If you don't understand the concept of a fresh candy bar, then you need to start eating more candy. =) Either way, this place is great. Especially when you have a little one in the back seat. I love not getting out of the car! I have seen the concept before in my hometown, but for livestock and dog feed. My dad would 'drive-thru' and have bags of dog food thrown into our truck for the beagles. The concept with snack foods (and smokes and beer if that's your heart's desire)... pure genius.

More infections.

Mommy's instincts were right. Our little girl is sick again. I just hate that it took 'til Thursday from my original inquiries on Saturday to get it worked out. She had to go back on antibiotics while the blood culture results are pending. We do have confirmation that she has both an eye infection and a urinary tract infection. Poor little girl. She has two different bacteria causing her troubles. She's getting an antibiotic eye drop that has been helping tremendously. Her eyes aren't nearly as puffy and looking like she'd been on the losing end of a fight. I imagine she feels better with her UTI getting under control. Her blood culture should come back this afternoon.

The day prior, little Flara looked really bad. She was pale, lethargic, limp, would barely open her eyes for us, and wouldn't grip my hand at all. We didn't hold her so she could just rest. Last night, with a good 24 hours of meds going in, she looked a lot better. She was given more blood, so she had color again. Her eyes were wide open for us, and she was in constant motion. Mike and I felt a lot better. Even though it's really hard to see her sick, we both separately in praying felt like our little Flara is going to be okay.

Flara did have to also stop her feeds yesterday. Her little belly really 'blew up' in size, so the doctors put her feedings on hold. Her abdominal xray revealed that she had a 'ton' of air throughout her entire digestive tract. Most likely, her OG (the tube that is supposed to evacuate air from her tummy) had drifted in too far, allowing the air from her nasal SIMV to push through into her intestines. When I was looking at her the day before, she was guarded about touching her tummy, so I know all of that air was causing her distress. Hopefully, the rest will help her out and she'll have no more trouble when her feedings are restarted. Flara's nurse today thought it could be tomorrow. In the meantime, Flara did have to go back on full IV fluids and fats. Restarting feeds is a slow process, so she'll be on IV-mode for quite some time. I really loathe the setbacks.

On a positive note, Flara has gone quite some time without having any heart rate drops and oxygen level drops. She's doing really well respiratory-wise. Hopefully, she'll be a new baby after these infections clear. We're hopeful she'll get to come off of the n-SIMV soon.

Mike and I had a wonderful mini-vacation right here in our great county. We had a friend treat us to watching 'The Miracle' in Pigeon Forge... our friend is over the whole production! (HUGE job!) It was GREAT! Our theater-going was our first date in nearly 3 years. We rode a camel (Mike's first!), took a backstage tour (very impressive), got free snacks (yummmm!), and enjoyed a very good musical. We have several friends in the cast, too, so it was really neat to get to see them in action. After the show, our friend took us back to the animal barn and let me love on Radar the Sicilian donkey. So cute! I told Radar that he could come live at my house when he's ready to retire. I think he liked me... or the animal crackers I was feeding him. =) We were also blessed by the staff at Riverstone Resort who provided us with a 3 day 2 night stay for nothing... just to give us a break from all of the stress in our lives lately. We were provided a massage and manicure, too. Wonderful! My dad so kindly drove down and stayed at the house to keep T-Boone the wonder dog and let Noël sleep in her own bed. Poor Grandpa... we told him she doesn't have stinky pants during the night and so he didn't need to change her in the mornings (because we would come right over). Well, when she woke up, she bombed her poor Grandpa. He didn't get to avoid diaper duty. =) During the days, we had fun swimming in the indoor pool (well, I hot-tubbed it). You can't beat living in a tourist town... there's no need to travel! It was hard to not be distracted, though, by our sweet little sick baby in Knoxville. Thankfully, our visits went well with her, and her wonderful nurses gave us updates when we weren't there. I am very thankful for my sweet hubby who arranged all of this, too.

So, my shout-out to support these great people... if you're in Pigeon Forge and need an awesome place to stay, I highly recommend Riverstone Resort (http:www.riverstoneresort.com). Also, be sure to check out The Miracle Theater (http://www.miracletheater.com/).

Please keep praying for us and especially little Flara.

Eyes and diapers and oxygen, oh my.

Flara was a whopping 2-13 yesterday. Mike and I figured she would lose quite a bit when we saw the size of her tummy. It was BIG! She hadn't had much stinky-pants-wise in the prior 24 hours, so we knew when she did decide to go, it would be major. Well, during our visit, she had two monster blow-outs. After leaving, she had a third. When nighttime rolled around and Flara hit the scales, she was back down to 2-10. Wow.

Flara has been struggling a bit with her weight gain. She'll gain 10 grams here, lose 10 grams there. Her fortification keeps getting moved up, but she's still not growing quickly. Today, the nutritionist was talking to me and mentioned Flara's 'poor weight gain.' Boo. So, she's getting an oil called MCT oil added to her meals three times a day. It will add 48 calories to her daily diet, so hopefully that will help her to beef up quicker. She's just a little pip squeak. We can't fault her for that. =)

Her primary today convinced the doctor to let Flara try some time off of nasal-SIMV again. She made it for five hours, then had to go back on. At least during the time, she had a nice break from all the crud on her head. It made holding her pleasant, and her primary took some great photos for us of Flara with Daisy Duck. I'll have to scan them in and post those soon. (Translation: Mike will have to scan them in...)

Flara had her second eye exam today. Although I was 75% asleep when R called me, I think what I gathered was that she appeared to have Stage I ROP, but the eye doc had said "I think she will be just fine." Stage I isn't bad, so I can handle that. =)

It's still raining here... lots. I like it. I'm still reading up on that contentment thing. =) See, yesterday was all good news, today just seemed a bit blah news. But, I have to keep learning to be content. I've been reading Hebrews to Noël during suppertime, so it's been very good for me, too. A good friend also Facebook-posted a video to me on our identity in Christ. That was VERY good.

A vast array of topics.

Little Flara was wide awake for her Grandmommy this weekend! She slept when Grandpa came to see her, although she did show him her feisty side. =)
Little Flara's teeny little preemie paci is as big as her face!
Very good Big Sissy playing in the waiting room (those are Grandmommy's legs).
Mommy holding little Flara.

Three days since my last post. Oh, lots have happened.

I guess my first report can be... ME! For four days this past week, I've been in lots of pain... progressing to TONS of pain. It began on my right side, underneath the area of my c-section incision. With each passing day, the area of pain began stretching farther... down my leg, up my stomach, around my back into my "flank" area... the kidney area. By day four, I was doubled over in pain and having waves of nauseousness ailing me. I also began having some more issues, but I'll leave that alone. =) While eating supper, which I was failing horribly at doing due to my discomfort, I had a "hit" of pain so hard that without warning, I slammed by hands down. In doing so, I dropped my fork and my knife. I didn't do it on purpose. It was an automatic response. With that, Mike announced he was calling the doctor. I refused. Of course, he called anyways. I walked away angrily because I was NOT going to talk when the call was returned. What happened, basically, was that I was told I had to go to the hospital... not Flara's place, which is where we were supposed to be heading in a few minutes. I was not happy. My visit to the hospital ended in all surgery-related and gyne-related areas being okay. Most of my lab work was normal. I did have some blood in my urine, so I had to get a straight catheter (thanks, Mike) to make sure the blood wasn't due to me being post-baby. The result: blood again. The ruling was that I most likely was suffering from a kidney stone, and possibly a kidney infection. Apparently, that culture came back negative, so we can most likely point the finger at the kidney stone. This was all Friday. It is now Monday night. My radiating pain has dissipated, although the original area is still throbbing and throbbing and throbbing. I described myself as feeling "like I've been kicked by a donkey." Funny thing, then my little sister today said, "Sis, this is like kicking a mule that's already dead." Ha! I'm *hopeful* I'll feel better soon.

My parents visited this weekend. That always makes me smile. I miss them, and my sisters, dearly. Diddy and Pickle hadn't been here in two weekends, so this was a long time coming. They arrived late Saturday night, so they missed little Miss Thang. She had a great surprise when she woke up Sunday morning to "Grangraw" getting her out of bed. And, of course, it also meant she had a bag of goodies... more "prehhh" jewelry, a Daisy Duck sippy cup, and two new T-shirts. Grandpa and Grandma took her shopping on their visit. Grandpa knows that shoes delight her as much as anything, so he took her to her favorite shoe store. She came home sportin' a new pair of slippers. She is so proud! She also loves the extra doggies their visit brings. Noël is a ham, so she had too much fun during their visit. She misses her naps, goes to bed late, but has a wonderful time showing off with singing, dancing, and accessorizing. Baby Sissy got a new very, very soft and cuddly sheep that plays nature sounds. It'll be very nice and calming for her while she's in the hospital. Naturally, due to the overstock of battery-operated Noël toys roaming the house, I was lacking the batteries to turn on Sheepy. Thus, I haven't delivered the present to little Flara yet. Her Aunties chipped in on that one, too, so it's a love gift from all her kin! =)

Our visits with little Flara were good. She was breathing... as in no 'apneic' spells. She's been behaving much better with her heart rate drops. She's having fewer oxygen level drops. Very big news... her PDA closed in her heart, so her murmur is gone! Her feeds were increased again, the pressures on her nasal SIMV and rate were decreased, she's gaining weight... we have a lot to be thankful for. Today, she topped out at 2 lb 13 oz. Although it's exciting to be nearing three pounds, she had three MAJOR dirty pants, so I reckon she'll drop some weight tonight. Oh, well! When we held Flara today, we were able to take her off the nasal SIMV and put her on the high-flow oxygen. That was very nice because it enabled me to do actual skin-to-skin holding with her. She, of course, loved it. =) She quickly fell asleep, and slept hard. She didn't stir when we put her back to bed, either. I am concerned that one level of her lab has been on the increase since Sunday. I trust the doctors (they did go to years of med school, after all!), but it just scares me. Please pray specifically that Flara won't end up with an infection.

Mike and I have been eye-balling some ornaments hanging in the gift shop. Although not on the cheaper side, we figured our little gal born at the University of Tennessee hospital needed a 'Volunteer' ornament. We try to buy an ornament for each year, so the girls'll have a collection by time they're older. We try not to make a big fuss about Christmas, but I like ornaments, so I like to get them for other people. Flara's is white with orange polka-dots with a little girl baby in the middle and the words "Born to be a Volunteer." The baby girl has a UT emblem on her onesie. Noël's is orange with white polka-dots. Orange is one of her fav colors. Her ornament has Smoky the dog on it. Noël is dog-obsessed, so we had to get her that one. It says "I'm a little Smoky fan." Noël gave a big caveman "oooooooooooo" when she saw it. That means she likes it. =)

Today, I received two BIG boxes in the mail of gluten-free goodies. So exciting! I had no idea who sent them, so I asked my Ma. She told me my little sister had done that for me. How kind! Rather than rationing out my treats, Noël and I have ransacked it. Royally. One item is a package of lemon wafers. I'm sure most people aren't a fan, but I've always loved them. After eating one, I told my Ma I would probably devour the whole box. I'm just about there. When I like something, I flat-out go for broke. There's a big discrepancy out there about the size of my stomach and the size of me. They don't match. I can eat with the best of them.

I know in three days I had more to talk about (that triggered my brain to sing 'Mister Rogers'), but I can't remember any of it right now. It's been wonderfully warm, the leaves are beautiful, it smells like fall (that amazing, acrid aroma in the air!), it's raining right now (so the steady drum of raindrops on my roof)... it's been a good weekend. Mike has one more workday for this stretch, so I am über-excited for that to end.

Keep praying. We're still in a battle, and right now, in this instant, we're feeling pretty okay. Emotionally, with my parents' visit and a couple good days with my girls, I'm feeling happier. I am still ultra-exhausted. Mike is, too.

I keep going back to a devotional study I'm going through (although not as regularly as I would like). It's by Charles Spurgeon. In it, he pointed out that even Paul (undergoing great suffering) had to learn to be content. Yes, LEARN. It doesn't come naturally. So, I'm trying to learn to be content in my situation. It's not an easy lesson, but it's getting through. The exact verse is Philippians 4:11. 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.' That means good or bad, easy or painful, I need to learn to be content. Good reminder!

I'm off to bed, so have a good night.

Yesterday was a hard day...

In my prior post, I had talked about enjoying my chance to talk with a family in the waiting room. Interesting thing, I actually didn't want to talk to them. I was consumed in my thoughts about Flara. But, since Mike had mentioned to them that I was a NICU nurse, and I could see in their eyes they were hurting, I knew I needed to help them. I was sitting with my eyes glazed over in deep thoughts, staring 'through' the vending machine. I remember thinking, "you have such a short period to show Christ. Take it." So, I begrudgingly turned around and started talking. This led to an hour-long conversation until Mike returned and we went home. I knew from what they were saying that things weren't looking good for their baby, but we, as was everybody, were hopeful that their little boy would be okay. He and Flara had been born at about the same time, although he was older gestationally. He was born at 29 weeks and was now a 33 weeker. The family was from out-of-state and had to come via helicopter because her labor couldn't be stopped. The day prior, Great Grandma had told me, he was eating everything fine, doing really well. Less than 24 hours after our conversation, their sweet baby died. Shock and extreme sorrow flooded both Mike and me. I replayed my conversation. I hope I had done enough. I kept thinking, "why didn't I pray with them?" Thankfully, Mike did. Please keep this family in your prayers. He was their first baby.

This baby's death is a good reminder of the fragility of these pre-term babies. A good report one day is no guarantee that everything will be okay the next day. Mike and I have been on edge with Flara all week since the past weekend. Last night was no better. I am so thankful that despite our fears, we still have our sweet girl. I know in an instant, though, that we could be in a similar situation.

During our entire visit last night, Flara just would not keep her heart rate up. She wasn't gripping my hand the way she usually does. She was having temperature instability. Oxygen needs were increasing. It was really scaring me. Our nurse had asked the doctors about sending labs to check if she was getting sick again. At that point, they were still making a decision. Flara did wake up during the last 15 minutes of our visit. When she was awake, she did better. She was very bright-eyed, and seemed to really be listening to Mike and me talk to her. Even though she did wake up, I didn't want to leave. I told Mike I wanted to stay at her bedside all night. Even though we couldn't hold her, I just wanted to be there. Mike told me to stay, and told me he would get me in the morning. I decided I just needed to go home and rest. By time we made it home and settled into bed, our nurse called and said the doctors did decide to check labs, send a blood culture, and increase the rate on her Nasal SIMV. I was so thankful.

I slept fitfully, had dreams about my little girl, and woke up just at the time I could call the NICU. I was so thankful to hear that her labs looked perfectly normal, so there was nothing indicating an infectious process in the making. Also, Flara had not had any heart rate drops and apneic spells since 0200. She was back on 21% oxygen. Apparently, the rate increase helped her tremendously. She also had gained weight again and is now 2 lb 9 oz.

I still wish I could hit a fast-forward button on my life and set it for late December.

I haven't posted in a few days... I'll try to write more tomorrow.

In the meantime, Flara is doing okay. I won't say great, and I won't say horrible. We're just stuck in a bit of a rut, and the doctors seem to be disagreeing on what treatment she needs. One will put her on SiPap, the next will come and say, "no, Nasal SIMV," then the prior will come in and put her back on SiPap. That spells F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-O-N for Mike and me.

Also, in asking one simple question, it seems that some people are taking offense to it. Hmmm... Don't get me wrong. We think Flara is in a great place, and they are taking wonderful care of her, but sometimes, people can be just funny. We keep reminding ourselves God is in control, and not to stress or worry.

I did appreciate an opportunity to talk a family through the frustrations, fears, and worry of their baby getting an infection and needing to go on the ventilator. Although I felt a bit like I was at work, I was glad to be able to explain a lot of what is going on and possibly calm their fears a bit. They were all a bit wide-eyed at the fear of what had happened today for them, and were confused in not knowing all the jargon being presented to them. I had a good hour to explain things in detail and relate our own experience to them. A little birdie had mentioned to them that I am a NICU nurse (thanks, Honey!), so they picked my brain while Noël entertained through dance, spinning, drawing, flirting... As I've said before, our experience is going to greatly help me when I do return to work. I have a whole new perspective on the NICU thing.

One last thing... little Flara Sophia is 31 weeks today, and turned one-month-old yesterday. =)

I'm going down, down, down in a burning ring of fire...

Well, okay, my mood, that is.

This weekend has been dumpy. D-U-M-P-Y. I'm not feeling very encouraged, and I'm struggling to be glad. Argh.

If something could go wrong, it did. Friday night, I froze all night. Seriously froze. I was so cold it kept me awake. I couldn't glean enough heat from Mike's half-dead body in the bed, and Dogg's half-dead body, either. Apparently, the cold didn't affect them. They both snoozed away beautifully. When we got up, we realized our furnace was click, click, clicking, but not turning on. Rats. Our neighbor came over that afternoon and checked everything out. All four diagnostic tests came back fine. It hasn't done it since. Why it struggled Friday night, I'll never know.

Saturday, Dogg was having fits... in his belly. I posted about his "conniption" on my last entry. Either way, he was wearing me out with his frequent need to go outside and make lots-o-noise. I'm not talking the barkin' kind, either.

Sunday. I hear strange sounds coming from my kitchen sink. Now, last time this happened, I forgot to turn off the water. This wasn't the same. This was BIG sounds coming from the sink... as I was pouring out an ENTIRE bin of soapy water. I heard it the night prior, although very minimally. I didn't think twice about it then. So, today. I hear the BIG sound. I wonder, "what could that be?" I ask Mike if he heard it. Nope. I poured again. I hear it again. It felt very much like the squirrel scene in Christmas Vacation. Mike heard it once, albeit briefly. I look down. Suds. I open the cabinet doors underneath the sink. Water EVERYWHERE. DEEP WATER. Everything was nearly floating. Mike hollers, "it's yours." Thanks. =) Apparently, the entire drain pipe disconnected. I had the downward pipe from the sink (I know, this is very plumber-term appropriate) with a straight shot to my cabinet. LOVERLY. So, being the handy type I am, I reconnected the pipes. Heck yeah! Then, Mike screwed the little screw part back onto the down pipe. Yeah, we're both quite talented. I'm very suspicious that one small girl, known affectionately as the 'crow,' might know something about this. My clean-up took every towel in the house. Even all of our washcloths, Noël-cloths, and hand towels. Fun fun.

Thankfully, though, nothing was of the money-fixin' type. Boy, would that have been bad.

Oh, gee... I'm forgetting my other mishap. I didn't make it to church. Why? Um, my keys were not in my car. I searched all over. I could not locate them. I checked pants pockets. I checked countertops. I checked in random non-suspecting spots within the car. No keys. Me Irish blood 'twas boiling. =) I had to talk myself down out of a bad situation. ie I had to talk myself from saying something very unkind to my hubby. Grace. Grace. Grace. All was well when Mike called me after my missed Grace Group. "What's going on?" Me: "Um, I have no keys." Mike: "Oh, I'm coming home." Me: "Okay. Bye." Apparently, the keys were under a little brochure Mack had brought home. Very easy spot. But, not the normal spot... IN THE CAR! Thankfully, God showed me grace and allowed me to not be angry and say unkind things to Mike. I didn't need to ruin my short time with my hubby.

So, next order of business. Beloved Flara. Dr. B calls again with a kind update. Basically, Flara has been failing her SiPap thanks largely in part to the ill-fitting mask. So, he wanted to try her on high-flow again. She failed that within half an hour. My poor little baby. So, she's on something called "Nasal SIMV." It's the cannula, but hooked up to the ventilator. She's not ventilated, so she's breathing on her own, but the machine will give her a puff of support with her breaths. I'm feeling discouraged because I feel like we've been in a backward slide for sometime now. I'm really afraid of the word "chronic."

Please, keep praying for us. Little Flara is tuckered beyond capacity from all of the overhandling during all of these adjustments and changes. I'm tired from the emotional strain of it all. Mike's exhausted.

Until next time...

Suzanne

It's too cold for October, but that has nothing to do with my post. Sort of.

Mike and I visited our little Sweet Pea this morning since Mike is working tonight. We were happy to hold little Flara... we were unable to last night because she was too chilly again. Today, she was really tired from too much handling as she's outgrowing her SiPap mask, so everybody (it seems) has been trying to make the mask work. Apparently, the hospital is out of stock of all sizes except for extra small and large. Hmm... not so good. So, she's had multiple readjustments of a mask that doesn't fit, resulting in a tired baby.

Because Flara was so tired, she just snuggled down with both Mike and me and slept. While I held her, she hiccuped nearly the entire time. I felt bad she was hiccuping, but those little squeaks are just too cute! I kissed her little fuzzy head multiple times. =) Lots of people ask me to give her a kiss on her behalf, so I spend a lot of time telling her "this smoochie is from Grandmama," "this kiss is from Cousin Caleb," "this is from your big Sissy," and on and on. =) She doesn't seem to mind, either.

Flara had her repeat head ultrasound yesterday. Her brain bleed was basically identical to her last scan a few weeks ago. Although her bleed had not worsened, it has not improved, either. On her past two scans, she was improving slightly. We don't mind, though. We are so thankful that the bleed had not moved in a negative direction. No news is good news, as I always say.

Her fortification of her breast milk was increased to 1 part breast milk to 1 part 30 calorie formula. This results in a net of 25 calories per ounce of "food." She has been steadily increasing weight, so the fortification seems to be working. Hopefully, the added calcium will help her little bones out, too.

She gained 10 grams last night, or 1/3 of an ounce. This puts her at 2 lb 6 oz. Mike and I were really excited about that news. She's almost to 2 1/2 pounds. That sounds like we're getting somewhere! She definitely looks rounder, and her little rump feels bigger in our hand. She still doesn't really have cheeks yet, though. There's a tiny line defining where the top of her little booty crack will be, then nothing more. =)

We were able to see her anger in action. Haha! Two nights ago, she had to have a lab draw. That little booger can really pitch a fit! After hearing repeatedly how feisty she is, I enjoyed seeing her in action. I don't want her to hurt, and I hate for her that she has to have so many lab draws, but that little fighting baby makes me feel better. Whenever she acquires an infection, she becomes really limp and the fight goes out of her. This helps us to see that she's feeling better.

We bought Noël a 'Big Sister' shirt at one of the outlet stores. She sure loves it! She had to point it out to the other folk in the waiting room at the hospital today. She had Dolly, her baby doll, and kept telling the people "baby" and pointing to the words on her shirt. That Noël sure is something!

I was quite proud of her this afternoon. I've been teaching her objects in her right-now-favorite book "Tugga Tugga Tugboat," and teaching her more detailed body parts than just "nose." After a couple days, she correctly answered in her book tugboat, ducky, bird, captain, baby, doggy, mommy, and "dada" as she calls all men. On herself, she showed me forehead, chin, cheek (both on her face), ears, nose, tongue, mouth, arms, legs, eyes, nose, bellybutton, tummy, and tootsies. The girl isn't much of a talker, but she sure understands a lot!

My mind is a bit blank tonight. That's a good thing. I've been wanting to go running here lately... running A LOT. When we lived in Chicago, I would go on one to two hour runs down the lakefront. I called them "numb my mind" runs, which were actually always my best times to pray and talk to God. I really enjoyed running my tail into the ground. Strange, yes, but it brought me satisfaction. I've been telling Mike lately I really need to go run myself into the ground. I just wonder how long I really need to wait. It'll be 4 weeks tomorrow since the infamous delivery from h-e- ummm, blah. As of two days ago, I officially could not see the remnants of my bruises on my forearm from my fight, although there is still a firm, sore spot. Yeah, I just need to go run. I need to get lots of things out of my mind. Like bruises, fights, fears, worries, frustrations, tiredness (huh?), work, money, schedules, ARGH!

My kin are partying it up at the good ole Ft. Vallonia Days. Sure wish I could be there! That's pretty much a tradition of my kinfolk. Fried fish sandwiches, elephant ears, persimmon pudding... corny wares to buy, nicer things to buy, a really long parade, axe throwing contests, hissing and popping of steam-run hay balers... man. Dodging old horse pies along the parade route (that the juvie's didn't completely clear off), yummy October weather, 5K road races. Oh, I could go on about it. As I told my sister, my plan had been to come and waddle around (NOT telling my OB I was traveling, of course), let Noël enjoy herself, and live vicariously through their eating of the things I so much love. I would just breathe deeply and pretend I was eating it. Funny things, those plans. =) Besides, it's really cold here, and I hear it's awfully cold there.

I've delayed my appointment with "Ole BP." I better get going. Plus, my dog's tummy is in a real conniption. It's been twenty minutes, and I'm sure he needs relief. Yet again. Poor ole Dogg. I wouldn't mind so much, but there's been an increase lately in dognappings going on. I don't want to send him out into the dark alone.

Thank you, again, for everyone who is following our little Flara Sophia and praying for her. We're still not out of the woods.

Goodnight.