It has been a really long time...

Our sweet little bright-eyed girl!

BIG YAWN!!!

Already fixin' to be a Daddy's girl!

Such a cutie pie!

Noël busy at work helping Mommy put up the wall decals in the girls' room.

Yes, that would be a squirrel! =)

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I think I've been so 'off' because I went back to work! Eek! I know I don't work much (just 8 to 16 hours weekly), but I work overnight so I'm left EXTREMELY exhausted. I don't sleep during the day before, so I head in and stay up all night. By time I get home, I've pulled over 24 hours. Then, for whatever strange reason, I still can't sleep. My max so far is 2 1/2 hours, then I'll be up all the next day 'til bedtime. It's really crazy, completely unhealthy, and leaves me dragging, but somehow I've managed to survive. =)

A lot has happened changed since the nearly 2 weeks since I last updated on our sweet girl. I pulled out my notebook, and am going to go through it and hit the highlights. Last time I posted, Flara had just come off of her oxygen. I honestly didn't think the girl would make it, but she has continued to pull through. The same day her oxygen was stopped, she also was transitioned out of her isolette. She now sleeps in a crib like a big girl!

One thing we had repeatedly mentioned was fears over infection with her central line. We were praying and praying for somehow Flara to get to have it removed. Well, God took care of it! We went to visit Flara the night after her move to the big crib, and were told we wouldn't get to hold her because her central line had clotted off. A clot buster was put in the line to try to dissolve the clot. After much waiting (and us sitting and saying, God, let that stuff just NOT work), it was determined it was a lost cause! We were (secretly) excited! We knew Flara would have to have a regular IV because her feeds weren't high enough yet to necessitate not needing IV fluids, but we were happy. She only needed a couple more days, so we figured we could just handle it. A few days later, she was close to full feeds, and another of her regular IV's went bad. Rather than restarting it, the nurse asked the doctor if she could just leave it out. Thankfully, the doc agreed! So, little Flara made it back to full feeds and has been a week without any IV fluids. That's great!

Flara had her hearing screen. She passed on one side, but not on the other. It could possibly be a fluke, but it could also be that she has some sort of hearing damage. In-utero infection is one of the top contributors of hearing loss in newborns, so it's always a possibility. Honestly, Mike and I weren't even upset. Flara will have a repeat screening (probably this week) to retest the failing ear. We know she has good hearing in one ear, so we'll take whatever results we are given. I've said it a million times, and that's that our little Flara is alive and healthy, and for that we are so thankful. Head bleeds, (possible) hearing loss, tummy troubles... our course could be so much worse. God has just done an amazing work to keep little Flara through all of this, and to be comforting and sustaining Mike, Noël, and me through it as well.

After Flara transitioned from intestinal feeds to tummy feeds, she did have some difficulty with digesting her milk. At times, milk would just drip constantly out of her nose. It would make me so sad for her! The doctors started her on zantac and reglan (reflux medications), and that has made a big difference. The nurses also really ramp her bed up at a high angle, so she sleeps on a nice incline, held in by a sling! She seems to really like it!

All of the meds that were helping Flara with her periods of stopping breathing and heart rate drops have been stopped. Although she still has quick periods of heart rate drops now, the apnea (stopped breathing) finally seems to be resolved. Usually, when she drops her heart rate, it seems to be from her having reflux.

She was given a short period of trying bottles. She did really well with it, but it really wore Flara out. So, for now, bottles are on hold, but we are still working on nursing. Some days she does great, and other days she'll be so tired she can't even get her eyes open, let alone eat! We just have to sit and be patient and let her grow and get stronger. Flara's day will come soon enough!

Flara also got her 2 month immunizations. That just seems crazy! It's hard to believe our little gal is that old, but she really is! Today marks her 10 week old birthday! That's a long time to be shuttling back and forth with an hourlong drive to visit our little girl, all while toting a 21 month old toddler! We are soooo looking forward to getting Flara home!

While we miss little Flara (especially today being our 'unable to visit Sunday'), we are so thankful that she has nurses (her primaries!) who love her to death! It makes me happy when I call and I'm told how much they held and loved on her, and took her for strolls around the nursery. I like knowing that she's not just laying in her darkened room wondering where anybody is to love on her! These gals will ALWAYS be loved and appreciated for loving our little girl so much when we're unable to be there for her! They're Flara's extended family of mommies. I know she loves them, too! =)

Last, Flara is now past the 2 kilogram mark! Mike, in his dorkiness, wanted to post on facebook that he now has a 'kilo' when Flara hit 1 kilo. He missed it, so now he's the proud owner of a '2 kilo.' Yeah, like I said... dork! hahaha! I'm sure not many of you are into conversions, so that means Flara is 4 pounds and 7 ounces! She's also 17.6 inches long. Such a big girl! Gestationally, she is now 36+4 weeks old. That's so hard to believe!

That's all I have to post on for now! I hope you all had great Turkey Lurkey Days! We did! =)

Great news!

For six hours now, Flara has been without any oxygen support! Yippee!

Also, her feedings are now for the first time going into her tummy. She's tolerating it so far, so we'll just keep praying she progresses well.

Sorted out

I talked to Flara's doctor today to understand why Flara was still not eating considering both of her GI studies look 'good.' I received a very good explanation of how the studies have made her bowels look worse, and that they are actually more dilated than before. Normally, it takes a few hours to pass the contrast used in the studies. Flara has taken two days. The doctor explained to me that the developing nervous system of her GI tract is apparently developing very slowly, resulting in very slow and sporadic motility of her gut. That's fair. As I said to him, 'basically, the same way everything else is going with her.' He nodded in agreement. He felt it would be better for her to let her rest and go slowly rather than pushing her through quickly. His theory is that if her bowels are saying "stop, I'm not ready," it's better to let her progress at her own speed. So, today, she was restarted on a very tiny 1.5mL/hr continuous feed. Hopefully, this will be enough to help her body say "hey, start digesting!"

Flara is continuing to grow well. She's now 4 pounds, 2 ounces and was given the go-ahead to wean her to an actual open crib! That's exciting for the little bean! She's also been doing so well respiratory-wise, that she was also given the go-ahead to try to wean from her nasal cannula. It will be so strange to see her in a crib and without oxygen on her face! She's having her medication stopped that has been helping her to not have the apnea (quitting breathing) spells. It takes about 5 days for the medicine to completely exit her body, so we'll have enough time to see if it's going to be too early to wean her from it.

Her various cultures are still negative. Her labs were looking better today. Since she was given blood yesterday, she looked much, much pinker today. Her hematocrit was up to 36 from the low of 23 yesterday.

We had another short, time-split visit today. Mike and I both had about 45 minutes each to visit our sweet girl. She is definitely looking better each and every day. I've always said 4 pound babies are my favorite. They're not so scrawny and preemie-looking. Really, they just appear to be miniature versions of a normal newborn. So cute! Although we've had a rough road, and still have lots of days ahead of us, it's fun to see Flara grow and develop. Today, she is officially a 35 weeker. It's been a long 60 days!

Tomorrow marks my return to work. Even though I only work 8 to 16 hours a week, I'm a bit nervous about returning and actually taking care of little preemies. It's all going to be a little too-close-to-home now. I've really enjoyed my time off (even though under very stressful circumstances) and the focused time Mike, Noël, and I have been able to share with each other. I am hopeful, though, that work will be a good distraction for me, will help time speed along, and I'm looking forward to seeing a great group of gals whom I miss dearly!

Until next time, adios!

Four Pounds!

Today, Flara hit the big 4 pounds! She's now double her birth weight!

Although both of Flara's GI studies have come back normal, Flara is still not back on her feedings. Her tummy was 'big' this morning, so she was not allowed to restart her feedings. She also spit up a couple of times overnight (although her tests did confirm she does have reflux, as do most preemies). Also, her lipids (fats) were restarted.

She's still doing well on her 1L nasal cannula. I hear she keeps it in her mouth more than she keeps it in her nose! =)

She had a repeat eye exam this morning, and everything still looks good. Now, she'll be retested in two weeks rather than every week.

Overnight, she had some issues going 'peepee.' She didn't have much out, so she was given a bolus of normal saline this morning. She's been going potty since!

Her white blood cell count is still funny. She had a repeat culture drawn, and also had another urine culture taken to test for CMV.

She's getting more blood, probably as I type this! Her hematocrit this morning was 23. Poor girl!

Does this sound depressing? I hope not! Mike and I are both sad that little Flara is still not eating, and (maybe?) getting some sort of sickness again, but we're still so thankful to have her here. We'll keep on with that trusting God part. =)

I think that covers all of the 'quick' update that I can provide. I'm trying to think if I missed anything here, besides saying that she's the cutest little preemie ever! If so, maybe I'll tell you later!

Where did Flara get her name?

I know we've received many questions about 'Flara.' It is an old Irish name meaning "fire." A couple years ago, my family and I went to southeastern Kentucky to visit our (original) family cemetery. I took pictures of all the tomb rocks (that's for a good friend of mine!). One in particular caught my attention... Flara E. Botkin. I thought it was a lovely name! Thus, I borrowed from my kinfolk (Flara E. Botkin being the sister of my great-granddad). Flara is pronounced like Sara, just with an F-L. Enjoy a bit o' family history! =)

"This is little Flara's namesake. She (Flara E. Botkin) is buried in Jackson Co, Ky. next to her grandfather Joseph E. Botkin who was the son of the original Botkin (Richard) who came here from Ireland. Her father was Daniel Slaughter Botkin, a doctor there in Ky. Her brother, Daniel Oscar, came to Indiana and begat our line of Botkins."

Flara E. Botkin's tomb rock is there on the left.

We chose Flara's middle name, Sophia, because we thought the two had a pretty ring to it together.... Flara Sophia. Sophia is Greek for "wisdom."

Thus, her name is "Fire and Wisdom" Perfect!

Hooray for Flara and Noël!

First, little Flara had her upper GI studies this afternoon, and they are normal!!!! We are so thankful! She was switched over from 1 liter on her high flow to 1 liter of a regular nasal cannula. Yippee! No more water floods dousing her poor little nose and gagging her! Her white blood cell count is still a little funny, so another blood culture was pulled from her central line today. So far, the urine and central line cultures from the other day have been negative.

During my quick visit today, I held my sweet girl but didn't get to nurse her. She couldn't eat anything for four hours prior to her testing, so I only got to hold. When I cuddled her in close, she tried to eat my neck. Poor little baby! When I didn't give her what she wanted, she let out two very cute little cries. It broke my heart! I didn't get to visit her yesterday either, so she had to miss out on two days of quality mommy time. =(

Finally, her head measurements seem to be right! Her head was triple-measured by three very good nurses =) who all came up with the same number. Since it's been mentioned a few times that her head hasn't been growing as well as it should (although we can all see that it has been), it was good to get a measurement that actually *proved* that there is growth!

Flara almost reached 3 pounds, 14 ounces last night. It's hard to believe we're nearly double her birth weight from 8 weeks ago!

So, what is Noël's big news? Tonight, while she and I were eating supper, she almost frantically began telling me "di...di... di....di" and pointing to her diaper. She's been doing this since the week Flara was born, but she never does anything with it. So, I first said, "eh, let's finish supper," but she became more insistent. I asked her if she needed to go peepee on the big girl potty. She immediately responded with "yeah, pee." I quickly lifted her out of her seat, and placed her on the floor. She ran to the bathroom. As I was getting her diaper off, she grabbed her Dora potty seat and put it on the big potty. I sat her up there and expected nothing. But, no! She actually went potty! I squealed with delight-- she squealed with delight. We clapped. Then, clapped some more. She was so proud! (She even pulled the shower curtain around her while going potty for privacy. Too funny!) She asked for toilet paper, then wiped not once, but three times! She got down, flushed the toilet, put her Dora seat back off to the side, then put the lid down. I was elated. As a reward, I gave her some chocolate chips. =) I didn't figure I would really try potty training until she hits 2 in February, but as long as she seems ready, then I guess we'll go for it!

Good results for Flara. Not-so-good for my Ginkgo.

Flara had her lower GI tract study yesterday. Thankfully, the study revealed no damage!!! We were greatly relieved by the news, but we're not off-the-hook yet. Flara's doctor was fairly confident that if she were to have damage, it would be in the lower portion of her GI tract. Since that is normal, Flara will have her next test of her upper GI tract on Monday. We're anxiously awaiting Monday. The doctor was hopeful to get both tests done on the same day, but radiology said that if both were done on the same day, the lower GI test contrast would obscure the view of Flara's upper GI tract. Thus, we're waiting. It's for the best, too. The handling, transports to radiology, and the testing itself has really used up all of Flara's energy. She was very bright-eyed last night during our visit, but she's been too tired to nurse well. Hopefully, the couple days of rest will help her get back up to par on the feistiness level. We've just not seen the usual Flara fury this week.

My home life (from the bits I've shared) never seems to be without craziness. Whether it's exploding pop, kidney stones, or leaking pipes, last night left Mike and me with some more drama to shake our heads about. I've never been one to like the time changes. I grew up in Indiana, which, until recently, never participated in the time changes. I really like letting the sun set when it wants to. Last night, my gingko tree fell prey to the day turning dark all-too-early. Mike, Noël, and I came home last night from the grocery store. Turning into the drive, there stood our (non) stately little Ginkgo. Really, it's a sad little fellow. It was large(r) and beautiful when we bought it and planted it. Soon after going into the ground, our big drought hit. Ginkgo lost half it's branches in the heat wave. So, yes, it was looking a little sad. Then, SnoopDogg the wonder dog made it his potty post, and nearly killed it the next summer. The tree went without leaves and without growth that whole summer. Mike informed me it was dead, but I refused to believe it. After all, ginkgo trees are the only forms of plant life that survived the bombing of Hiroshima. Well, this spring, then, I decided if no new leaves appeared, then Mike could pull the hapless tree from the ground. But, NO! It survived! Gingko grew leaves and quite a few. However, Gingko grew no new branches and gained no height. I was fairly confident that NEXT summer was going to be a banner year. So, as I said, we got home last night, came in and began preparing supper. We let the WonderDogg out to potty. Soon, he went flying around our porch and down the stairs in a really, really angry barking fury. We thought the babysitter, for some reason, was about to get Snoop's anger like he's never expressed it before. We ran to the door and called Snoop back. Like a good dog, he returned. Mike went to see if the babysitter was here, and found a snapped-off trunk of our Gingko sadly sitting in it's corner. The rest of the tree was gone. Now, Mike came back and asked me if the gingko was "here when we came home?" I was so confused. He then informed me that some punks broke our tree at the ground and ran off with it. My initial reaction was extreme anger. I was ready to go find the punks myself and beat the tar out of them. Mike got in the car and went searching. Honestly, after this past week, we were both ready to beat some booty. =) Thankfully, he didn't find the punks. I kept thinking about my poor tree, then I asked Mike if he meant the entire tree pulled out of the ground. He told me that Ginkgo still had about 6 inches of tree stump sticking out of the ground. Me: "Rats. I knew next summer was going to be it's banner year. It finally had an impressive root system." With that sad exchange, we both burst out laughing. Oh, well. We've decided we're going to saw it off at the ground, and see if it'll resprout from it's impressive root system come spring. Our other thought was that we're going to leave it's stump (for now- over winter) and overdo it with all the LED Christmas lights we can fit on it, and top it with a star. We figure if some punks thought they could get us down, they're WRONG!

With all of that off my chest, I do need to say that God is good. =) We've come off of an extremely difficult week that left us at points really struggling, even with our faith. We feel that even when people let us down, God keeps showing Himself true to us. We've tried to be obedient to everything that we have felt that God is directing us to do, and in the end, we have been blessed beyond what we can imagine. Even while standing with the doctor and nutritionist after my most-emotionally difficult morning, I had to then take the news that the doctors were fairly confident of Flara losing portions of her bowel. Honestly, I felt like I had been sucker punched and would like to have passed out or thrown up. I thought, "how ironic, my worst day yet, and here I get more crappy news." Quickly, my mind snapped back to God's love and sovereignty, and I felt immediate peace. At that exact moment, both the nutritionist and the doctor commented on how amazed they were that I have taken everything with such a calm demeanor. I'm not saying this as something to brag about... I'm saying it as a testimony of God's sustaining us when we need Him most (and, most likely, when we feel like He's most NOT there). It made me think back to Flara's delivery week, and how calm I had remained through that. Looking back on it all, I can see that when times have been most difficult, that is when I have felt God's peace and comfort the most. I have handled bad news and bad times with more grace and calmness than I have handled not-so-bad times. And, again, all I can say is that God is so good.

Thanks, again, for listening, and always for your prayers.

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST

It can always be expected in the preemie world... when things seem to be going best, then they get (terribly) worse. Today, we're there.

Last night we were told that Flara's tummy had really become big again, and she was dropping her oxygen levels quite a bit. Rather than continuing to increase her feeds, the practitioner decided to hold her at the current rate.

This morning, Mike and I headed to Kville so I could nurse little Flara. I told Mike driving up that I felt like there was going to be something going on. As I walked into the hallway, I saw the doctor sitting outside Flara's room. I knew something was up. I said 'hi' and asked him how everything was going. He mentioned that he had been trying to call me and asked if I knew that she had trouble overnight.

Basically, one of the big threats to preemies might have happened or be in the process of happening. I've mentioned the condition "NEC" that results in parts of the bowel dying off. This doctor is suspecting that Flara has possibly had an uncaught bout of NEC in the past that has left her with a section of her bowel being dead. It could explain her recurring feeding intolerances. She will be undergoing testing in the morning. If the tests confirm the suspicions, little Flara will have to undergo surgery to remove the portion of bowel that has died.

We are very scared.

Still holding strong.

Flara is continuing to do well. The doctor decided to try her again on 2 liters of oxygen on her nasal cannula because she had made it over 24 hours without a heart rate drop. Although we have seen her fail this multiple times within hours, she is still going strong nearly 12 hours into the flow decrease. She's also still without any heart rate drops. =)

Because Flara has been nursing so well, the doctor also wrote that she may try nursing one to two times daily. She didn't spit up after feeding her yesterday, so he has asked me not to pump just prior to feeding. The plan is to turn off her continuous feeds for one to two hours post-nursing, and see how she handles the milk in her tummy. I was able to try feeding her again today. She did very well, and didn't spit up after that feeding. Hooray! Tomorrow, our plan is to go visit during the morning so I can feed her, then go back at nighttime. Her nurse called me this afternoon to inform me that Flara woke up shortly after our leaving, and was wide awake chomping and smacking on her pacifier for a solid hour! I think we have finally unleashed the little monster! She was also awake and looking for mommy this afternoon. Poor little girl!

Flara has been hanging out in a fancy-pants bed called a 'giraffe' bed. These beds have built-in scales, and can do all sorts of amazing features. They're quite handy, especially with micro-preemies, like Flara! A big advantage of the in-bed scale is that it minimizes handling of the babies when they are so fragile. I was quite stunned this morning to walk in and see that she had graduated to a 'normal' isolette. Now, she'll have to come out and be weighed on a scale like a big girl! She hit 3 pounds, 11 ounces today, so she really is a big girl! (Or, so we think!)

Today, too, our little Flara is officially a 34-weeker. Although this is the earliest preemies can go home (if they meet a long list of criteria), our Flara still has a long journey before she's ready to leave the NICU. Daddy was holding out for an early departure early on, but I sadly informed him that I never see 26 weekers go home at 34 weeks. Usually, they're in for longer than their due date. Although we get (and currently are) super antsy about Flara being in the NICU, we are so thankful for all the progress she has made, and look forward to the progress yet to come.

I'm still worried about that yucky central line. I'll breath much easier when it comes out. It seems we might be 2-3 days out from turning off her IV fluids, so hopefully she'll lose it in 3-4 days. Today marks 2 weeks in, which is the same as when her last infection reared it's ugly head. She became pretty septic, and as I've said numerous times, took her a month to fully recover. I'm in constant prayer about it, and I urge you all to fervently pray against an infection as well!

Last, please pray for guidance and wisdom for Mike and me. We have a lot of big decisions to make regarding a multitude of subjects, and we are trying our best to figure out what we need to do. Also, I'm still struggling with the mishaps of my delivery, so please continue to pray for peace.

So happy!

Little Flara was able to try "non-nutritive" nursing today! I was so excited to get to try with her. I always feel bad for her being away from Mommy and worry about her bonding and feeling alone. Normally, I should have pumped right before so that we could be sure she wouldn't really be getting anything. The goal is that the babies will 'learn' and begin to make associations that will lead to successful nursing later. It had been 1 1/2 hours since pumping, so her nurse and I knew I'd have a bit of something. Little Flara vigorously latched on, and it didn't take long before I had a 'let-down.' I was afraid it would overwhelm her (she's never eaten anything orally before... ). Her little eyes opened and she got really big eyed! I thought, 'here comes the choking and the heart rate drop.' Nope. Wide-eyed, she made a big "gulp" and went right back to work. No heart rate drops, no oxygen drops. That's my girl! She lasted a solid 20 minutes, then zonked out. I was thrilled! She didn't make a peep when I had to put her back to bed. It was a good precursor for Daddy to come see her. He said she remained in a good little milk coma during his entire visit. I'm including some pictures. No worries... there is nothing visible in the pictures! =)

Little Flara is 33 weeks, 5 days and weighs 3 pounds, 9 ounces.

So sweet!

I'm super excited. I don't think it's very obvious. Yeah, right! (It was just as good for my bonding as it is for her!)

New pictures. =)

Here are the newest pictures of Flara and one of big sissy Noël. On the day these photos were taken, Flara was 33 weeks and 2 days and weighed 3 pounds, 7 ounces. This was also the day that Flara was able to be dressed in baby clothes for the first time!

She currently is 3-8 for her weight. We're facing another round of tummy trouble so Flara's feedings had to be decreased again. At least this time they were not stopped completely. Feeding intolerances are always very scary for us... it can be a precursor to a very serious GI problem called "NEC". Please pray against this! Also, the slow-down in Flara's feedings means she will need IV fluids even longer. We are past one week on her PICC (central line) being in... the longer it's in the more nervous we are for infections. Her first PICC became infected at two weeks. The sepsis that resulted has taken Flara a full month to fully regain the ground she lost, so we are really praying that this, too, will not become another problem.

She's still at 3L of flow/minute on her cannula. She was given a trial at 2L, but she just wasn't ready for it. Her medications to help with her heart rate drops was increased today. She was having more events, so she may have been outgrowing her doses. She was also started on a new medicine today, 'Reglan,' that will help her with GI motility. This is to help to keep things moving and reduce reflux. She actually had a large number of changes and additions to her orders today. We are hopeful the new changes will help Flara out.

It again has been a stressful weekend. Mike's had a sinus infection, so only I held her Saturday. It did provide me a long cuddle time, but I hate for Daddy that he didn't get to cuddle with his little gal. I was glad to see Flara Saturday and to get to do skin-to-skin holding with her... that was the day her tummy troubles started. I always feel better seeing her when I get word that we've gone a few steps backwards.

Today is Sunday... my dreaded no-visit day. The day has gone quickly, though, so I'll be seeing her shortly come morning.

Please continue to pray for those things I listed... infections, lung improvement, tolerating eating. Also, please pray for Mike to get better, Noël and I to stay healthy (although Noël now has a runny nose), and for Mike and me to not be bitter from our delivery. The delivery story hasn't made it here yet, but it has left us with a strange multitude of feelings and emotions.

Enjoy the pictures!

Noël is very helpful. She's pumping! (If only it were that simple!)

Sweet little Flara holding Mommy's hand. (She has really grown from the first similar picture at a few days old!)

Little Flara listening to Mommy.

Snuggle time.

Peaceful baby.

A tale of two liters...

(Here's a picture from holding Flara yesterday... she was in a daze from her cuddle time!)

Today. Where do I begin?

I survived my 6 week postpartum checkup today. =) So glad it's over. I was glad to go home and see Mike for 5 minutes before he left for work. He didn't get to go with me to the appointment because he had to appear in court. So, I hurried home to say 'hi' and 'bye.' I also needed to feed the very hungry Noël and myself. While feeding Noël, I made a monster pot of soup for myself... wild rice & mushroom with chicken. As I finished getting Noël out of her chair when she was done, I grabbed a new 2L of coke and poured myself a glass. Because it was brand new, it fizzed up on the ice. So, I set the 2L on the counter and waited for the fizz to settle to top off my glass. While waiting, I proceeded to grab some of the groceries still sitting on the floor from my WalMart run last night. As I reached up into the cabinet to put away some gluten free pasta, I felt a strange pull on my beloved bathrobe... followed by a 'fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' sound... although much longer.

Confused, I stood not moving. My hand was still half-way reaching as I listened in horror and tried to understand the sound I was hearing, as well as try to understand why my face was dripping wet. So, too, was my hair. I slowly turned my head to see the culprit... my beloved bathrobe had become ensnared in the grips of the new opened 2L of coke, sending it off the counter. It hit the ground and became a fizzing, spinning coke bomb. My senses were thrown, so it took me a few seconds to process what was happening and stop the bomb. It kept spinning, spewing fizzy pop EVERYWHERE. I grabbed it and stopped the hosing. Basically, the entire bottle was gone!

I slowly turned around my kitchen and surveyed the damages. Literally every single cabinet was hosed and dripping from ceiling to floor, the fridge was dripping, my counters were dripping... I opened the cabinets, including the one I had just cleaned out due to the unattached drain... pop standing in there, too. Coke was in everything, on everything, and I had one major spray of pop from the top of my head, down my robe, on my just-washed jeans, and soaked through my socks. My floors... pretty much a pool of pop. My rugs. Soaked. It even sprayed out of the kitchen and all over my carpets. I let out a big sigh and wanted to sit down in the mess and cry.

Just as I was thinking I needed to cry, I realized my little Noël was excitedly rounding the corner. I had to snap out of my pity party and react. I ran and grabbed towels, I grabbed a mop, heck, I even threw down my bathrobe to soak up the mess. Noël appeared and was pleased. =) She splashed around in the mess. I began soaking pop as quickly as I could and then carried my dripping towels to the wash...

And, there it was... in the midst of the 'explosion' of pop, my poor epileptic dog peed himself. Great. I had a big ole puddle of pee in the hallway, as well as a trail where he ran scared away into the living room, followed by another squirt. Ahhh... so thrilled. I cleaned that up, booted the dog out the door, proceeded back to the kitchen and commenced to clean again.

The aftermath: three good hours of cleaning. Noël? Waaay late on her nap. I realized as I was getting her ready that her beloved 'bubbles' blankie was sopping wet, too. Rats. I tried to sneak Bubbles to the laundry. I was caught. Noël proceeded to produce massive tears and wail. I couldn't console the poor girl. She went to her room and cried more. I tried loving on her again. No, she didn't want Mommy. Defeated, I told her she just had to take her nap sans Bubbles. I gave her an alternative. That didn't work. She wailed and wailed, very forlornly, from her crib. Poor girl. It really broke my heart. Eventually, she fell asleep.

I returned to the kitchen. Brain triggered... soup on the stove. Double rats. In the chaos of the mess and bubbles and dog pee, I forgot my pot of soup. I burned the bottom. I did my best to scrape out the burns, then poured myself a bowl. Three hours late for lunch... oh, well.

My next thought was, 'why is my life such a joke sometimes?' Really, I feel like the butt of a really bad joke. I know it's not true, but, I swear, I could write a book on the antics of my daily life! At least it's all settled. For now.

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Flara news (because we all need a little positive!):

Flara had a rage of fury night before last and ripped off her nasal-SIMV mask, tape, and all of her feeding tubes. She was over it! Just as they were beginning to replace it, her nurse asked if she could just leave it off and try her on high flow oxygen. They did, and so far, she's still making it! She was at 4 liters of flow first, and is now on 3 liters. We are so thrilled! When I walked into her room the morning after it happened, I saw a fuzzy little head of hair... I quickly wheeled around because I thought I was in the wrong place. Nope! That was my little girl! We praise God that she's progressing!

She also had a good report with her head ultrasound. Her head bleed was now called a 'diminishing clot.' We are so thrilled to hear that it's beginning to go away.

Flara also had a repeat on her eyes. She is still without disease, and the doctor was able to say that she also does not have cataracts.

One area to really pray for is her head growth. On the charts, she is lagging in her growth. However, she has had a hat to hold her oxygen source on her head for a month now. Where her head was a perfect round little head at first, it now looks more like it has grown upwards rather than outwards. Although the nutritionist mentioned concern, her primary nurse and I aren't too worried. We'll just keep praying, though.

Noël has just began talking in her room, so I need to go rescue my little girl before she gets too upset. Thank goodness she did take a nap.

Oh, and one last thing... Flara is 33 weeks today, and Noël is 21 months today. =)

November is 'Prematurity Awareness Month'

As today is the first of November, I would like to share with you that November is 'Prematurity Awareness Month.' If anyone would feel so inclined, you can visit the March of Dimes website (www.marchofdimes.com) and make a donation. MOD donations are used to research treatments that have proven life-saving in the early birth of preemies. Without their research and discoveries, little Flara and thousands of other babies like her never would have had a chance.

CPAP was not a success.

Little Flara failed her CPAP at 0330 this morning, so she had to go back onto her nasal-SIMV. She was having too many heart rate drops through the night. Most likely, this is due to her having to stop the medication Myseline... it can only be given orally, so during the time that her feedings were stopped, she was unable to receive the med. It takes three days to really take effect, so it'll probably be nearly mid-week before we start to see any improvements.

Also, her IV's have not been lasting at all, so the doctors placed another PICC (central line) this morning. It'll be better because she won't have to have as many IV sticks, but it's a big risk for infection. Currently, she still has an IV in her head, but she's getting another blood transfusion as I type. Once the blood is finished, that IV will come out, and she'll only have her central line left. I'm praying she won't get sick again... it was her PICC infection a month ago that started a good deal of her troubles that we have not been able to overcome yet.

Flara will get another repeat tomorrow on her head ultrasound to assess her brain bleed.

Her feedings were increased today at 1400 hours to 1.5mL/hr, and will be increased every eight hours by 0.5mL/hr. This, of course, is if she tolerates what she is being given.

Flara's lab work is continuing to improve, so she is responding well to her antibiotics.

Also, today is Flara's 6 week birthday.

I had a big breakdown after church today.... still having a breakdown would be more apt. I've held it together for most days and most news, but today I just can't seem to take it. I want someone to just be honest about everything going on with Flara. NICU nurse or not, I'm still a mom. Because I am a NICU nurse, I'm all too aware of all of the worst-case scenarios. So, when something happens, my mind is racing to 'it could be indicating this or leading to that.' I would just like to shut that portion of my brain down right now.

Our pastor is going through the 10 commandments right now. Today, the topic was on adultery. Pastor B talked about how we as a society love our objects more than our God. Yes, we basically have adulterous affairs with our objects. I said to Mike, "BIG ouch." Pastor B talked about how we truly don't know what it's like to need something or to go to bed hungry and how we spend unimaginable amounts of money acquiring objects. Ouch. Again. Then, how we use our new objects to bide our time and keep us from our Savior. Ouch. I'm as guilty as anybody, but the sermon had me thinking about how my mind has been so completely and utterly filled with thoughts of 'will Flara make it?' Rather than spending my time consumed by my fears, I need to be filling that time with Christ... praying and reading His word. Christ only can provide the peace that I so desperately desire.

I can do nothing without Him.