Eyes... and walking in faith...

Flara's eyes still just aren't quite there yet, so we'll repeat the exam in another two weeks. The detoured vessels appear to be moving along, though, so we're still dodging that potential problem for the time being.

After Flara's eye exam, I went over to my hospital... 'my' being my place of work. It was the first time my coworkers were able to see little Flara in person. =) She stayed in her car seat the entire time, so it was more of a peep of Flara. But, it counts!

My real order of business in going to work was to finalize some things... because I am surrendering my position and moving into an as-needed status. Thus, I'll only be on the schedule two shifts per month, and any extra shifts will only be if I want to work them. This, quite honestly, is scary... and where walking in faith comes into play.

Mike's and my goal had been for me to be a stay-at-home mommy after we delivered Noël. After that tumultuous pregnancy and my 9 hospitalizations, we were in such a financial bind it wasn't possible. Thankfully, I was able to drop from full-time to working only 16 hours a week and still stay afloat. I've been working those hours for nearly two years now. Although we greatly desired for me to stay home after Flara's birth, it didn't appear we were going to be able to make it without my hours...

But. God has been extremely faithful to us and we appear to be in a better position that we originally thought. The difficulties we have faced in bringing Flara home made us realize... basically just last Wednesday, that we needed to do this for our family. We've been cutting things here and there, and it appears on paper we'll be able to squeak by. It's still scary, though, so it's going to be a big test in continuing to trust God that He'll continue to provide for us now as He always has in the past.

Please be praying for us that everything will work out. =) Our cars make us a bit nervous (170,000-ish miles!), as well as other everyday things that can pop up (like our dryer dying a month ago!). Please pray that we won't worry and will keep trusting God. And, please keep praying that little Flara's eyes continue to progress and that she gains some much-needed strength.

Thank you!

Not-so-beefy girl

Flara had a follow-up with her pediatrician last Wednesday. Mike and I were super excited to see how much little Flara had grown in her first two weeks at home. SHOCK. She only gained a measly 3 ounces in an entire two weeks... leaving her at 5 pounds, 5 ounces.

Flara sputtered in the NICU with her weight gain, and we were always hearing how she had 'poor weight gain.' In her final days of her stay, however, she began to gain the typical ounce a day. Combined with her eating well, Flara was able to come home.

She seemed to be eating well with us, but we began to notice that she was beginning to nurse less and less effectively. She seemed to be getting weaker, so we began supplementing her with more bottles of milk than her prescribed two-a-day. One day, I decided to pump to see how much milk I was producing. After days of her poorly feeding, I figured that must have affected my supply. The result? A dismal and disappointing 1/4 ounce per side.

I'll admit.... I began crying. Nursing was my most-loved thing to do with Noël. That girl nursed an amazing 17 months, quitting only because I had to quit medically for Flara's sake. With Flara's early arrival, I was grieving the missed in-the-belly time, so I was determined to make up for that bonding time via nursing. To basically lose that has been a shock to me lately. I've been pumping, trying to increase my supply, but I'm not having much success.

Flara, in the meantime, has been taking bottles of expressed milk from all those grueling pumping sessions while she was in the NICU. Her pediatrician gave us a whole new formula of fortification to add TONS of calories to her diet to help her plump. In addition to regular fortifier, she's now getting rice cereal and canola oil added. Yuck. It seems to be helping... at least we think she looks and feels heavier.

We'll recheck this Wednesday. We're now going weekly for weights until she seems to catch up to where she needs to be.

Tomorrow morning I'll be taking Flara to another eye appointment. Her eyes are nearly fully developed, so her eye doc and I are hopeful that after a two-week hiatus, the vascularization process will be complete. If not, we'll just keep going and checking... and, praying that the detoured blood vessels will not stop where the detour took place.

Flara's sleeping schedule is all over the place. Some days she sleeps well at night, some days she stays up at night. With her recent weakness, it's been taking sometimes close to 1 1/2 hours to get her to eat what she needs to. As a result, I'm getting on average 2 hours, 45 minutes of sleep a night. Admittedly, I'm not a sleeping type. I'm happy with 4 to 5 hours, and grumpy if I get more than that. But, this? It's killing me!

Mike will return to week this Tuesday. It scares the life out of me. If I had a typical newborn, I wouldn't be concerned. Noël would be done nursing in 10 to 15 minutes flat, leaving me with plenty of time. With Flara, I'm not only juggling having my hands tied in feeding for such long periods, but I've got a busy little toddler running around who needs attention from her momma. Please, please pray for our family as we make this transition! =)

I realize I have not posted pictures in a while. I think my preceding paragraph explains why! I'll post some new pics soon. Two of Mike's coworkers were kind enough to bring all of their photography gear to our house and take family pics and newborn pics of Flara. They look great! If you're looking for someone in the area to take pictures for you, your cars, guns, anything, please check out their website here... http://www.cfimaging.com/. They do great work!

A due date remembered...

December 23rd marked Flara's due date. I didn't think it would mean much, but it actually brought about moments of deep thought of what it would have been like to carry Flara to term and to be coming home with a brand new baby right at Christmas.

I know the intense joy Mike and I shared at the birth of sweet Noël, and the excitement in bringing her home to be a family. Although Mike had to be gone the first six weeks of Noël's (born) life, the experience of bringing her into the world and bringing her home was more than I could have ever anticipated.

I wanted that for Flara. While taking my shower that day, I was distracted by thoughts of longing for a 'normal' delivery and for a 'normal' homecoming. In the days leading up to our due date, Mike and I would realize that I could have been pregnant now. We'd say, 'wow, I'd be massive' and 'dude, you would be so miserable.' Yes, pregnancy can be miserable, and makes the belly massive, but it's enjoyable and brings about satisfaction in knowing that a whole new little person is growing and developing while carrying on with normal life.

Due Date Day made me think of how different things would be for Flara. No head bleeds, no eye problems, no belly problems, no super-intense reflux so she has to sleep on a steep incline, no slightly-flattened spot on her little head from not having an aqueous environment to grow within... life could have been very different. But, then, my mind quickly snaps back to reality. Flara was dying. Plainly put. When I realize what her very early arrival saved her from, and I so thank God for that, I realize I wouldn't want her to come any other day. God knows what he's doing!

So, those are my thoughts on the day. A friend who had a preemie had expressed to me that she was saddened by her due date day. I didn't know if I would be or not. I understand now.

Happy, Happy Christmas!

I don't so much enjoy saying or writing 'merry.' To me, I like 'happy, happy' better. I don't know why... I just do. =)

So! Today marks Noël's second Christmas, and Flara's first! How fun! That also makes it sound like we are busy at quickly expanding our kiddo line-up. haha!

We rang in Christmas by attending the Christmas Eve service at our church. Mike had a couple of verses to read. I would have liked to watch him actually read those verses, but I was around the corner allowing Noël to frolic in the playroom. She loves her 'dada' so much, I knew that if she saw him on stage, that little determined girl would go marching right up the stairs to him. So as to not disturb the service for the nicely-sized crowd, I tried my best to hear from afar. He did great!

Once we got home, we put the girls to bed and finished wrapping a couple of presents and setting them out under the tree. We filled Noël's stocking with a few things of candy (plain M&M's, Skittles, and Reese's cups), as well as a couple of little toys. Halfway through filling her stocking, Mike and I looked up at each other in the glow of our Christmas lights and remarked, "this is really fun." We didn't have a lot to give, and we were (still are!) okay with that. Overall, the girls had a really good Christmas. Actually, I think this is my favorite Christmas of all. Mike and I couldn't get presents for each other, but I honestly didn't even miss it. Watching Noël (mainly Snoop) open the presents, and her delighted little squeals of excitement, followed by her hearty belly chuckles, and holding our sweet little Flara was more than I could ever ask for. All I wanted for Christmas was my littlest baby girl home, and we have her!

The wind had blown hard all throughout the night bringing us warmer weather. =) No white Christmas for me! However, the wind kept blowing out our electricity. I was doing a 24 hour low (temperature) and slow (cook-time) of my massive 22 pound turkey, so being awakened multiple times by Mike telling me the power was out AGAIN left me pretty tired come morning! (Not counting getting up to feed our hungry pseudo-newborn.) Well, okay, and counting that we stayed up late watching a marathon of The Office episodes. Finally, I lay awake at 0610 just listening to the rain hitting our windows, and Flara sleeping, and Mike sleeping, and Noël's humidifier next door humming, and SnoopDogg occasionally letting out a gruff here and there, I decided at 0710 to get up and shower, and begin finishing up all the cooking we didn't do the day before (due, admittedly, to plain laziness and being bound to The Office).

Because our church is made up (in large part) of imports, as are we, we decided to invite our small group to our home to celebrate with us in the afternoon. Many of us, being imports, don't have family in the area. We thought it might be nice to handle the cooking and give people a place to go. We were honestly finishing up cooking and cleaning to the last minute, but it wasn't bad at all. Noël was busy playing with her new toys, and Flara was sleeping, so Mike and I were able to cook together. At some point, I did sport Flara in my baby-sling. So, she helped me make deviled eggs! When our guests did arrive, we had a really great time eating and talking and laughing. Not everything was clean, and not everything I had planned to make was made, but we didn't notice. Funny how little details can consume our thoughts, and yet, be amazingly unnoticed in the absence of their presence.

Home Free!!!!

YIPEE!!!!

Archived... from last Saturday. =)

Yesterday, we finished an 84-day stay in the NICU when Flara was finally able to come home!!!! What a relief and an answer to prayer that we were able to bring our little girl home and complete our family... right before Daddy's birthday!

We wish we could thank each person individually who has been holding little Flara up in prayer, as well as praying for our family. We have been through the roughest spots in our life, but God sustained us through it all, and is still sustaining us!

It was great to bring Flara out into the hallway where she was able to really meet her big Sissy. Miss Noël was proudly sporting her 'Big Sister' shirt and calling out "BeeBee" when I brought our little girl out of the 'Butterfly Cove.' It was fun sending Mike text messages and pictures in anticipation of bringing Flara out forEVER!

I thought we had little to pack into our car, but we actually had a lot. =) Mostly, it was things given to us at discharge like extra bottles and diapers, but it ended up filling our trunk. Included, too, was a boat load of bottles of frozen milk. We had enough to fill our big ole cooler! It was a very chilly day, so we had to quickly get everything into the car, and for our first time, wrangle TWO kids into the car! Whew!

Although we were super excited to close this chapter of our lives, it was extremely difficult to say goodbye to people who have come to mean so much for us over the past 3 months. When I walked into Flara's room for the final time, her primary that day was sitting in a chair. We just looked at each other, shook our heads, and declared we were NOT going to cry. Some of our primaries, we didn't even get to tell goodbye because Flara snuck out before we were anticipating. Getting into the car, we had to give our 'for real' final goodbye with our primary. That was really sad. Mike commented going home that when we were told to have happy lives all together, that he didn't want it to not include her. I agreed. When someone brings your baby through their (hopefully) toughest trial in their life, and helps to walk you through the experience as well, a close-knit bond is formed...

Tomorrow could be Flara's big day!!!!

The feeding tube is still out, and she's doing great. Tomorrow, I hear, could be the day she gets to come home!!!!!!!!! =D

Trying not to jump out of my seat in excitement, but as Mike said, "My hopes are already WAY up." Either way, we are probably at max just a few days away!

HOORAY!

It might not last, but...

HER FEEDING TUBE IS OUT!!!!!!

Whew! Please pray Flara holds on and can eat everything all by her (big) self! This is pretty much the last thing holding her in the NICU, so we are really hoping she can make it.

Cue cheesy music... I'm so excited, I just can't hide it, I'm about to lose control.... hahahaaa! DORK!