Quick update... Please, still be praying without ceasing.

Flara's lab work came back this morning indicating that she is fighting another infection. As I have said before, infections will continue to be one of her biggest battles as she grows up. This goes to show how quickly her status can change, and how fast infections can hit. She's back on antibiotics, and a culture was taken from her blood and from her central line to identify what bug she has and also the potential source of the infection. So far, she has been doing okay still. However, last night at our visit, I thought her eyes and fingers were looking a bit puffy. She also was up on her oxygen requirements, so the lab changes just verify the changes we were seeing. Please, continue to pray fervently for our little gal. This is also a good reminder to not become complacent in our diligence to pray because she has had so many good reports.

Still, abiding in Christ. Thanks so much. =)

Oink, Oink, Little Piggy... And, Mommy's Going Crazy!

Little Flara gets the "oink, oink, I'm a little piggy" award for the night! Apparently, she gained a whopping 80g, which is almost 3 ounces. Can I get a hog call out there?!! This has bumped her up past her birth weight to a big ole 2 lb, 2 oz. Whoa! Now, I know, these random big gains happen... like when the babes don't have big diaper blowouts the day before. And, Flara didn't have any monster stinky pants the day prior, so once she goes, I'm sure she'll lose some weight... but, still... it just sounds exciting! =)

My little beauty was wide awake once again when I saw her today. I just love it! She had a slight increase in her lab work two days ago... in the numbers that could indicate infection (I won't go into details... if you don't work in a NICU, the numbers would probably mean nothing!), but today, they were back to ZERO! Praise God! She had a stressful day during the 24 hours prior to the lab work, so I knew that it could have just been a response to the stress on her body, so I was really praying that was all it would be. Infections are among my biggest fears for little Flara, so I'm super thankful for today's report.

She's now up to just over 3 ounces total of breast milk a day. Wow! At the rate we're going, she might be getting her IV fluids turned off soon. She's getting her IV fluids through a central line inserted in her forearm, so the sooner the line comes out, the better. Anything inserted into her skin is a potential portal for infection, so we'd like to see that come out... SOON!

So, then, why is Mommy going crazy? Who knows! Perhaps the lack of sleep! Today, well, just now... I kept hearing this strange little "plop. sploosh. gurgle." sound coming from my kitchen. I couldn't figure it out. After a LONG while of hearing it (because it continued on while I readied Noël for her nap, changed a big bomb of a diaper, emailed a letter for Mike, then began to check my facebook), I finally ventured out to find the source. Oops! I had left the water running in the sink. Ha! I had turned it on only slightly to let it warm up to wash the parts to Ye Olde Breast Pump, or BP (not in the British Petroleum sense either!) for short. My thought was that by time I had Noël in her crib for her nap, the water would be warm. Well, I forgot. So, the water ran steadily for probably a good half hour. Oh, well!

My other crazy-brained things of late include making myself food, putting it on the table, and forgetting to eat it. I have readied the dishwasher, then walked away and forgot to turn it on. I would only realize my mistake when I went to get a clean dish, but only after thinking someone had already emptied my clean dishes and reloaded with dirty. I have put things in the fridge that go in the freezer, and I've put things in the freezer that go in the fridge. I've walked away from breast milk on the counter (yuck!), forgotten to feed the dog, misplaced my nursing bra (which I still haven't found), and have nearly eaten glutinous foods (that's gluten, not glutton!) because I've forgotten that I can't eat those things! I have a whole list more, but, I've forgotten that, too! Eek. If you know me well, you would understand why this is frustrating! I live in a very organized little world of mine, where everything has its place (and sometimes labels... for others to follow my lead). Yes, I've been told I'm a bit OCD at times... but, not right now! I'm downright crazy! =) Don't even ask me how long Noël went without a bath or getting her teeth brushed! My poor, sweet girl! No worries, though. I realized that oversight and promptly took care of it. She is clean and scrubbed!

Wide Awake Baby and the Booty Appears!

Mike and I rushed to the hospital today to squeeze in a very quick visit before Mike had to go to work. If we didn't make it, Mike would be going on three days without seeing his little girl. When we arrived, we had about 35 minutes before we needed to get back into our car and make our near-hour drive home. Whew!

Since I have been with Flara the past two days, I told Mike to go first and take the majority of the time. I asked him to leave me with just five minutes to go in and say "hi" to my sweet baby girl. Noël and I played in the waiting room and bought Junior Mints out of the vending machine. Noël thought the vending machine was pretty cool! =)

Mike returned beaming and announced to me that Flara was growing her hiney! That rat changed her diaper! I was glad for him, though. I was able to change Flara's teeny tiny little britches when she was two days old, and poor Daddy has had no opportunity before today. He was quite tickled. Last time he saw her little preemie booty, she had no cheeks AT ALL! We had a good laugh that Flara is fixin' to be like the rest of her family. That's where all that good breast milk is going!

I snuck in for my quick hello... that little gal was WIDE awake! I have not seen her with her little eyes open for more than just quick glances. Today, she was as wide-eyed as she could be. When I spoke to her, those little eyes would turn and her little forehead would wrinkle. Awww.... she melted my heart! I talked to her and held her little hand. I checked the clock. Time up. I stayed a bit longer... five minutes. I was hoping she would go back to sleep. Still awake. I lingered still. Another five minutes. We were ten minutes past our time to leave, so I decided I'd better scoot. Oh, it tore my heart in pieces to leave her in that sweet, quiet wakeful state. Thankfully, her nurse was in there, too, so I wasn't just leaving her alone. The nurse had tears in her eyes and told me she understands having had a 29 weeker herself, and knows how hard it is to walk away. I really appreciated her openness. It's nice to know someone understands how Mike and I are feeling.

When I returned to Mike and Noël, I told Daddy that she was wide awake. His response was the same as my response to him changing her diaper. We both had, "what? not fair!" responses to each other's visit. We hurried home, and made it in time. Mike left for work at his usual time, so no undue stress was added to our day. =)

Speaking of diapering... Noël has been really good lately about telling us when she goes potty. She pats the front of her "panties" and says "di, di" and will go to her changing table. However, since I have been unable to lift her, I have been changing her on the floor. The other day, she decided to really help Mommy out. She climbed up on the bench in our living room, lay down, and held her legs up. I realized she was laying there for me to change her! Such a sweet girl! So, that has become her temporary changing table. It amazes me how much her understanding is of the changes in her life. With my parents in town for the weekend, Noël took her diapering to a new level. She declared 'done' after eating supper, so we let her down from the table. We heard a little ruckus in the living room. My dad peeked over and started to chuckle. He told us to look at Noël... she was changing the diaper of Dolly her baby doll. Sure enough, she had taken a seat in her camp chair, which was pulled up to the bench. She had Dolly on the bench with the wipes box. She pulled out a wipe to clean Dolly, then was working with one of Flara's preemie diapers that we had brought home for Noël to see. It was the sweetest thing ever! I helped her put the diaper on Dolly. She gave the pat of approval! =) I just love that girl!

I know Noël will be a great big sissy. That's a 'great' big sissy... not a 'great big' sissy. =) She is always very helpful with Mommy and Daddy, whatever we are doing. She loves babies... she kisses, hugs, and holds her baby cousins. She loves to say "baby" every instance we see one. She'll point to Flara's pictures and tell us "baby." We had to quit telling her about 'baby' in Mommy's tummy. I think that was confusing at first. When I came home from the hospital, she would still lift my shirt, point to my belly, and say "baby." It took a few days of telling her 'baby' was now here and showing her Flara's pictures before she quit looking for the baby under my shirt. I can't wait for her to see little Flara. That's a long time coming, though, so we'll just have to be patient.

The doldrums have officially set in...

As I wrote earlier, Mike returned to work yesterday, but my parents have been in town. Tonight, Dad and Mom left to return to the Hoosier state. I lasted approximately 5 minutes before the tears started pouring. And, I haven't stopped yet. =(

I've been reading and rereading everyone's comments on here. I sure do appreciate that there are so many of you who are posting encouraging words to Mike and me, and that you are all praying fervently for our little Flara. I would like to have something better to say regarding your kindness, but I can think of no other words than to say I'm truly humbled and thankful for all of you, and that I love you all!

Dad and I went and visited little Flara this afternoon, and Mom and I went LATE last night! Both were very good visits. I sure do love that little girl, and I'm getting increasingly anxious to get to hold her and love on her. I'm getting anxious for her to get off of her CPAP even though I know she needs it. I'm having an antsy moment, and I'm sure there must be a correlation between my feeling discouraged and being in the midst of my doldrums. I have been constantly reminding myself of God's hand and sovereignty in her life today, and pretty much prayed over her the entire hour I visited with her this afternoon. But, today is a struggle... my reminders to myself seem to be going without being heard. I know it's not true, I know I need to cling harder, and I know that it's when I'm weakest that upon God I am most dependent.

So, I'm reading 2 Corinthians 12: 9,10 to remind me of what our Father says about this:

"(9) But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10) For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Problem Solved and Good News! =)

The good news is that Flara's report on her brain breed came back positive! The bleed is continuing to stabilize and improve (she's reabsorbing some of the blood). We are still at a Grade II bleed, but she's getting better. Thank you, Lord!

My problem with the night nurse situation was solved by our very good day primary, "R." She talked to the charge nurses for us and worked to find us an additional primary for the night shift to cover when Flara's other primaries are not on. We met "K" on Friday night, and felt very pleased and secure with her as Flara's nurse. She had our little gal Saturday, and will be back tonight. Our personalities meshed immediately, and she is very good with our little gal. Mommy can sleep better now! =)

Flara is still doing very well. She's all pink and rosy after her transfusion on Friday. Her little arms and legs were flying once again... that's my girl! I hear she's giving the nurses a hard time when she needs care... that she's quick to voice her opinion about everything. My response was, "Give'em heck, little Flara!" Not that I want her to be difficult, but I like to hear that my little pee wee is giving a good fight.

Today marks Flara's two week birthday. I can't believe it's been two weeks already. Just a couple hours ago at this time on her birthday, I was seeing my little baby for the first time. Boy, was that a flood of emotions. And, yet, still is. Today was my first day back at church in three weeks (a combination from bed rest, delivery, and overall exhaustion). It was so good to be back, yet I was so distracted. Yesterday was Mike's first day back at work. *Sigh.* So many changes have been happening here in the past few days. Thankfully, my Momma and Diddy were here this weekend, but they'll be leaving tonight. Tomorrow, it will probably all really set in... loneliness that Mike's back at work, sadness that without him, I can't visit Flara, simply resuming a "normal" life (if it can be called that). Today reminded me that I only spent two Sundays in maternity jeans, and yet, today, I was back in my regular clothes. Kind of sad. I'll be packing up my box of borrowed clothes and sending it back with my parents today to return to my little sis. There are just so many things to reflect on. But, I'm not going to get started. Well, I sort of did... so, I'm going to stop here before I work myself up into tears. =)

Frustation!

Mike received report today that Flara, who has always needed 21-24% oxygen, suddenly overnight needed 35-40% oxygen. This raised my curiosity because it's completely out of character for Flara. So, I called back this afternoon to talk to one of Flara's beloved primary nurses whom I trust. I wanted to know if she had any explanations given to her from the night nurse. The only information I knew is that Flara has not been getting her primaries on the night shift, except only occasionally, and she had a newer nurse last night. Hmm... The purpose of primaries is that they, in taking repeated care of a baby, get to know that baby extremely well. So, if something happens and seems uncharacteristic, they are able to better identify and troubleshoot what is wrong. Also, it allows for less stress on parents because we form bonds with these nurses and come to trust them. So, I asked our day nurse if it was a matter of Flara getting sick (always a possibility), or the chance that this newer nurse, not knowing Flara and her typical little oxygen drops, just kept cranking up her oxygen. She expressed to me that she believed my concerns over the gal being newer and not knowing Flara probably had more to do with it than anything. She told me that when she came on, Flara's cpap mask was not very secure on her nose. She readjusted it, and immediately turned Flara back down to 22% oxygen. The doc, seeing the charting, had concern that perhaps Flara's PDA (heart murmur... I'll leave it at that without a lengthy explanation) had reopened and thought maybe she needed another heart echo. Her nurse explained what happened and that she felt it was probably more a matter of an ill-fitting mask than anything. Clinically, Flara has given us no other indication that her PDA had reopened. So, no echo was done, Flara is back to her normal settings... but, I'm still a bit irked. I want my primaries!!!! Having been a new nurse in the NICU once myself, I know these gals need to learn. However, I don't want mistakes with my baby. I've decided I'm just going to have a chat with the charge nurse tonight and express my concerns. I know Flara is stable and doing well, but I don't want her suffering (more likely her eyes) because someone didn't think to troubleshoot the equipment before cranking the oxygen up. Grrr.

I had told myself beforehand that I will not be a difficult NICU mommy. It's never fun to deal with someone complaining, so Mike and I have been very gracious to everyone taking care of Flara. But, I'm her mommy and I have to look out for her. I'm going to direct my conversation more at concern over Flara not getting her primaries, and not take a complaining tone towards anyone who is taking care of her. I know it's a hard job, and it never makes it easier to have someone questioning your actions. I just hate to have to say anything. It's just not my character. I typically just keep quiet, but I think today is the day I have to speak up. Oh, to have a backbone!

Okay, enough of that. She is still doing extremely well, so I can't complain. =) She gained 1/3 of an ounce last night, still is doing well with her feeds, and her lab work keeps coming back very good. As a type, she is probably in the midst of getting a follow-up head ultrasound to see how her head bleed is doing. I hear, too, she is feisty. Her primary today asked if Noël was a feisty one. I just laughed. Sounds like I'm going to have two fireballs on my hands! But, then, we named her Flara... which means fire! We had it coming! =)

I'm really not good at keeping up with this!

Our little Flara continues to do exceptionally well for how early she is. Today she is 28 weeks, 1 day old gestationally, or 11 days old out of the womb. We continue to praise God that He has been sustaining her, and that we keep getting good reports on her. Please, please, please continue to pray for her. Mike and I believe the only reason she is doing so well is from God's protective hand over her life.

She now weighs a wopping 1 lb, 15 oz! Such a big girl! =) Last night, she gained an entire ounce. For the past week, she has gained 10 grams (1/3 ounce), then lost 10... back and forth between 1-13 and 1-14. So, today was quite a surprise! I like to think that the addition of good ole breast milk into her diet is helping her to accomplish some of her weight gain! Obviously, at her age, she is still "eating" via a feeding tube. This tube runs from her mouth, down past her stomach, into her small intestine, through the duodenum, and rests in her jejunum. Did you follow that? =) Feeding her this way helps little Flara tolerate her food better since it's being dumped right where absorption takes place. When she's a bit older, she'll probably get to have her food put into her stomach, then she'll actually feel like she's eating. She gets a whopping 1 mL/hr of breast milk. That equates to 24 mL in a day, or just under one ounce (which is 30 mL). It doesn't sound like much, but to someone her size, it is!

She is still on CPAP for oxygen. This provides just a little burst of oxygen to keep the alveoli (air sacs) within her lungs open for oxygen exchange. Her oxygen requirements continue to be very minimal at 21-24%. (Reminder: 21% is the same as we breathe, so she can go no lower). Her breathing pattern looks much, much better. She seems less labored, and actually looks comfortable and peaceful lying in her nest as she breathes... completely on her own!

Last night, when Mike and I visited her, we thought that even from the night before that she looked much, much better. Her color appeared more normal, and she looked as though she's beginning to fill out. Must be that one ounce weight gain! Not to be insensitive or icky, but we NICU nurses have often likened the appearance of micro preemies to a skinned squirrel. When they're born, their skin is gelatinous, very ruddy (red), translucent, and they're all muscles (no fat). Combine that with their eyes being fused still... well, I think you get the picture. Despite that, I still look at them and see perfectly formed little babies and think they're beautiful, but there's something about that look of extreme prematurity. Flara had that at birth. Last night, looking at her, she seemed to be past it. She looked like an actual *real* baby, just super tiny, and still lacking fat. It's amazing what a day can do!

Not every single day has been peaches and cream, though. Our little Flara gave us a scare one night with the flu bug. The night that she tested positive, I called the night nurse for a report. She told me that Flara was really lethargic and struggling to open her eyes. She was having more heart rate drops and was needing assistance to reverse them. That news was more than I could handle at the time. Preemies are so sensitive, all it would take is something *simple* like that to do her in. I didn't sleep much that night. God definitely heard a lot from me all night long. We have to constantly remind ourselves that news like that can befall us at any moment. It's easy to get caught up in her good reports and think we're past all the dangers, but we're not ever. That same day, Mike, Noël, and I all went in and were tested as well. We all came back negative. I in no way contribute my fever the night before to coincidence. I truly believe God was protecting Flara. Had I not spiked a fever and had suspicion for having the flu myself, Flara never would have been tested. All week long, her white blood cell count (WBC) had remained quite high. It was unexplainable, and was a concern in the back of my mind (as well as everyone else, I'm sure). Once Flara's flu had been identified and she was started on Tamiflu, her WBC's began to go down and are now at a normal level. I thank God that we found out she was sick BEFORE she really took a nose-dive. God is good!

Mike and I continue to struggle in our daily lives. I realized a few days ago that I've basically been a zombie walking through life... experiencing everything but completely void of emotion or connection. We are tired beyond words. We both struggle at different points with being frustrated, bitter, angry. Throughout the week when everything suddenly went awry (still, the birth story that I have yet to get on here!), I had to constantly remind myself of a couple things. One, God is completely sovereign and in control. Two, a much harder lesson, was reminding myself that no matter what happens, it is meant to bring glory to God. I had just finished reading "Crazy Love" (which I HIGHLY recommend) a few days prior. The author had mentioned in one chapter how easy it is to pray that God fix everything rather than praying for whatever will bring God glory. Ouch. That was a tough lesson because I too often pray to God like some Santa Claus to bring whatever will fix my problems. Having just read this book, it was fresh on my mind to ask God to glorify Himself in this situation. Even as I lay on the operating table, I kept (sadly) thinking that this could possibly be Flara's last moments alive. I know from work experience how difficult the delivery would be on Flara, then the resuscitation, and then trying to survive as a 26 weeker. I kept closing my eyes and asking God to comfort me, help me to trust Him, and to simply do whatever brought Him the most glory. I think that was honestly my hardest prayer... ever.

I have kept reminding myself of that in each and every day. I found it comforting, then, yesterday, when Mike was talking to a dear friend, M (I won't put names for privacy!) who had come to visit and bring us food. He mentioned the story in the Bible where it was being asked of a blind man... was it his mother who had sinned that caused his blindness, or him. The answer was that neither had. His blindness was so that God could be glorified, and he was healed! It was a wonderful confirmation of something I had been reminding myself of for two weeks now. Also, M mentioned that 'we are most satisfied when He is most glorified.' Such truth is so good to hear, especially in times of need!

I am still getting 'used' to sitting on the mommy side of a NICU baby. It still seems completely strange and foreign to me. My response is that I want to do what seems so natural... just take care of Flara as a patient, not as my own child. I think it will help when she's stable enough to be held, that I will feel more like her mommy. Right now, I share my bonding oxytocin (released during breast feeding) with a plastic breast pump. Yuck. Here is my ode to ye olde breast pump:

Dear Breast Pump, it's not that I don't like you. You do a great job. It's just that you're so... plastic. Yes, you're providing life-sustaining milk for my premature baby. Yes, it's true that our relationship continues around the clock, day after day. Yet, still, when I look at you, I feel no affection. I bemoan having to push your little buttons to make you work. I bemoan having to wash you many times a day. I will gladly push you out of my life when my own baby can actually eat on her own. I look forward to the day when I can lock you back up into your little black box and kick you to the curb. Sincerely, Suzanne

Haha! I still need to laugh, and I know I'm a dork. But, all of that is to say that the NICU environment makes it hard to really feel like you're bonding with your baby. I try not to think how long I will have to continue to pump milk before little Flara can actually start eating (as a nurse, I have a good idea, but I'm trying to ignore it and take it one day at a time). I'm pulled because I would like to be with Flara all day, but I have a family at home. I want to hold her *for real* so badly it hurts. But, it's not about me. Flara needs to continue to be in her happy little isolette for now. I can't wait for the day when we can sit and cuddle, and I can feed her like a normal baby. Ugh!!!!! I do know this is growing my heart for all my NICU mommies when I do return to work. I think I will be much more effective in ministering to them because I have a full understanding of all the emotions that comes with premature babies.

With that.... After my random rantings, I think my brain just shut down. =) I can't think of anything else to say, except thank you EVERYBODY for your continued prayers. Flara needs them; Mike, Noël, and I need them. As I said before, I know the only thing sustaining Flara is our awesome God, and the only thing sustaining Mike, Noël, and me is our awesome God. So, please, KEEP IT UP! =D

We love you all!